Liga Pundits articles

[Beast]

Real Madrid repelled as Gorka Iraizoz emulates the Squid | Sid Lowe


If Athletic beat Madrid partly thanks to Fernando Llorente, they mainly won thanks to the goalkeeper in the midfielder's kit

Black is the new black. Not yellow, not red, not blue, not green and definitely not grey. Black. Proper black. Black black. All black. The way it used to be; the way it ought to be. Just ask this weekend's La Liga hero, Gorka Iraizoz; he won't wear anything else. When Athletic Bilbao reached the Copa del Rey semi-final last season, Gorka ditched his goalkeeper's shirt and, fishing around in the bargain bin at the club shop, chose an out-of-date, short-sleeved black outfield shirt instead, turtle-neck top underneath, home-made white lettering hastily emblazoned on the back: Iraizoz, 1. A heroic performance later and Athletic had reached their first final for 20 years; two weeks later and, with the improvised ensemble banned by the RFEF, Athletic arranged for the persistent portero to wear a special commemorative black shirt for their biggest night in two decades.


This time it didn't work but while Gorka was left in tears he was not for turning. When new suppliers Umbro unveiled Athletic's official kit this season, neither of the goalkeeper shirts were black. Luckily, the team's third, outfield kit was so he wore that instead. In short, black is an obsession. Not because Gorka is a Goth – he's Zubizarreta's successor, not Zapatero's daughter – but because his fixation with black is a fixation with the man in black. Iraizoz wanted to honour the man who wore black because of Lev Yashin, the man they call Txopo, the squid - Athletic Bilbao's legendary goalkeeper for 18 years, José Ángel Iribar.


Born in Pamplona, Basque-speaking Gorka supported Athletic and began his career there as a kid, later returning via Espanyol. He lived in Guernica - the town whose oak tree stands as a Basque symbol and was famously bombed in 1937 by Hitler's Condor Legion on behalf of Franco - and Iribar was his idol. Saturday night was more than just a football match, Iribar was more than just a footballer – the Athletic captain who joined Real Sociedad captain Inaxio Kortabarria in carrying the still-banned Basque flag, the Ikurriña, on to the pitch before the derby two weeks after Franco's death and later became the Basque 'national team' coach. Small wonder Gorka sought to emulate him.


This weekend, he did. And on the best possible stage: Athletic Bilbao versus Real Madrid at San Mamés, the Cathedral. A game between two of the three sides that have spent their entire history in the First Division, one packed with political and historical significance. A clash of cultures and ideologies. A match that Iraizoz says, "really turns me on". Much of it is nonsense, of course; much of it doesn't stand up to scrutiny. But that doesn't prevent it being portrayed as the unofficial Basque national team versus the representatives of centralised Spain, the state that represses the nation played out on the football field. A wet, lush football field, cramped up against steep, noisy, ramshackle stands; decked in red and white and screaming blue murder.


The cliché says that San Mamés is a hard place to go. It is, they say, the most English of arenas. Hostile, aggressive, looming up at the end of calle Pozas, every balcony en route bearing an Athletic flag, every doorway a bar. The team is an extension of that, defined by the lion that prowls their directors' box - bearing its teeth and claws. Direct, determined and downright dirty. San Mamés is the kind of place, they say, where big teams – especially Madrid – hide, terrified, whimpering and waiting for it to be over. On Saturday, a reporter approached an Athletic fan. Leaning into the mic he stared at the camera and warned: "Kaká, you're going to crap yourself!"


Only, in recent years it's Athletic who've crapped themselves; Madrid have won the last 10 matches between the two sides. At least they had until this weekend. This weekend, at last, Athletic beat Madrid. This weekend, as El País, put it, Cristiano Ronaldo played an English-style game: "Argumentative, competitive, physical, mad, and packed with shots. The kind of game that [Steve] McManaman who always played well in Bilbao, used to like." But with one difference: "Steve McManaman won."


A Fernando Llorente header gave Athletic the lead after two minutes. The lead was coming – Athletic had already hit the post twice – but so was the equaliser. The difference was that while Athletic scored in two minutes, Madrid couldn't score in 94; the difference was that if the lead came, the equaliser never followed. The difference was Iraizoz; if Athletic partly won thanks to Llorente, who not only opened the scoring but almost added a wonderful second and had a half-decent shout for a penalty, they mainly won thanks to the goalkeeper in the midfielder's kit.


For 94 minutes, Madrid reeled off shot after shot; by the time the final whistle went on 96 minutes, Gorka had faced 29 of them. Ronaldo alone had 10, battering them in from all angles. It was the kind of onslaught that had hearts in mouths and throats ripped raw, the Chilean army waiting for Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. But it ended up like a frightened kid opening fire on Vincent Vega and Jules Winnfield, like a man with a machine gun in his hands but roller skates on his feet. Somehow, they didn't land a direct hit; somehow, the score was still 1-0. Gorka was unbeaten, arms stretching left and right, stopping everything; even bundling him over on the goal-line didn't work, a hand reaching up to claw it away. "Madrid couldn't overcome The Wall," ran the cover of Marca. Only once did the ball get past him, and then it came back off the post and into his arms.


"We couldn't have done any more," sighed Sergio Ramos. "There was only one team on the pitch," insisted Manuel Pellegrini. "Us." Not everyone agreed. Defeat was not entirely coincidental: Madrid have now lost in weeks 6, 12 and 18; more importantly, they've won less than 50% of the points away and trail Barcelona by five. They might have taken almost 30 shots, but they had been largely limited to shooting from the edge of the area; from inside, they had only three more than Athletic.


But Ramos and Pellegrini had a point; while Athletic battled and fought and threw themselves in front of the bullets, it was Iraizoz who truly stopped them, the final and most impressive of his 14 saves coming in the last minute. Without him, the roar that greeted the final whistle seconds later would have died in Basque throats long before and when it did finally go up, the significance was lost on no one, least of all the goalkeeper himself. "Iraizoz was Iribar," claimed the headline in Marca, "he boasted fists of iron and the reflexes of Superman - the squid reincarnated." "With his black top, stunning saves and unshakable confidence, Iraizoz could have been Iribar himself," said El Mundo. For Gorka Iraizoz, the likeness was no coincidence; as for the compliment, it was the greatest they could have ever paid.


Talking points

• Four days after losing their first title under Pep Guardiola, Barcelona won their seventh. And against the same opponents, too. Having been knocked out of the Copa del Rey on away goals by Sevilla, despite producing a fantastic display at the Sánchez Pizjuán, Barcelona hammered them 4-0 at the Camp Nou to go five points clear and guarantee that they will earn the honorary title of Winter Champions. Leo Messi scored twice to take his total to an astonishing 21 in all competitions already this season and 101 in 188 Barcelona games. Being knocked out of the Copa del Rey might actually be good for them.


• Valencia are just three points behind Real Madrid. Take away the last five minutes of their home games and they'd be a handful of points in front: late blow-ups against Sporting, Atlético and Mallorca have cost them six points this season. With Silva, Villa, Mata and Joaquín (yes, that one) playing brilliantly, maybe, just maybe, they can challenge for second place. Villa is back at the top of the Pichichi chart, alongside Messi. Ever Banega has been superb so far this season and scored a beauty last night.


• Pennant watch: Real Zaragoza couldn't even beat Xérez but Pennant was named man of the match by El Mundo Deportivo. Came on as a sub and produced two wonderful assists – both of which were completely wasted.


• Racing Santander drew 1-1. Guess who scored a wonderful chip for their only goal. Go on, guess.


Now that's a celebration. No poncing about, just mad excitement and pure, mental joy. Ibrahima scored his first ever goal for Atlético Madrid and, taking off his shirt and throwing it 100 feet in the air, ran about the pitch like a lunatic, even booting the ball away in joy when somehow he found himself alongside it once more. Naturally, he was booked. Maybe there is life in Atlético Madrid after all. They beat Sporting Gijón 3-2 and Quique reckons their mentality has changed; "Now at last we believe in ourselves", he said.


• Mallorca's run just gets better and better and better. At home, at least. They have now won nine out of nine at the Ono Estadi and conceded just three goals. Gregorio Manzano is still a genius. Even if that fact does seem piss off people at his own club.


Week 17 results: Osasuna 2–0 Espanyol, Athletic 1–0 Real Madrid, Barcelona 4-0 Sevilla, Málaga 1–0 Getafe, Zaragoza 0–0 Xérez, Racing 1–1 Valladolid, Mallorca 2–0 Deportivo, Almería 1–1 Tenerife, Atlético 3-2 Sporting, Valencia 4–1 Villarreal.

[Beast]

La Liga Loca's Good Day Bad Day... Round 18

Monday 18 January 2010 15:09
GOOD DAY

Mallorca
Wham, bam, thank you Mam! Six second-half minutes was all it took for Mallorca to bang in a couple of goals against Deportivo and make it a ludicrously exceptional nine home wins from nine for the Balearic club.

The reason for Mallorca’s complete disinterest in last Sunday’s Bernabeu clash against Real Madrid has now become evident, with Gregorio Manzano revealing during the week that the visit of Deportivo was the really big focus for his team in a match that the manager said would be their toughest test so far this season.

And it was a big teacher’s pet A+ from Manzano’s men in a devastatingly efficient 2-0 win that the manager hailed as “their best game” of the season.

Their 33 points so far is Mallorca's best haul by this stage of the season since Hector Cuper’s 1998/99 side, which eventually finished third.

La Liga Loca doubts that this feat will be repeated this year, but the campaign for Mallorca has still been blooming impressive, nonetheless.

Leo Messi
In Marca’s Top Ten of the weekend, Leo Messi is still behind Sergio Canales (might play for Real Madrid) and Gorka Iraizoz (stopped Real Madrid from winning, therefore must be good).

But the Argentinian scored a lovely couple of goals that showed him doing his thing - incredible control in spaces tighter than Maniche’s pants.

Barcelona only really got going in the second half, with Pep Guardiola admitting that the news of Real Madrid’s defeat made his side a little nervous, but Sevilla were never, ever at the races in the 4-0 defeat.

The good side of Barcelona moving five points clear at the top of the table is that it will annoy the heck out of the Madridista press.

But the very, very bad side that has the blog desperately hoping for a Valladolid victory over Pep’s Dream Boys, next weekend, is the onset of a new wave of sickly drooling from the Catalan papers - drooling that has already begun with Sport writing that Barça are maintaining their “hegemony as the best team in the world.”

Bucket, please.

Gorka Iraizoz
The Athletic Bilbao keeper now sneaks into sixth place in the blog’s list of “Spanish goalkeepers that would probably be ahead of David James if they were English” – the other five being Iker Casillas, Pepe Reina, Diego López, Andrés Palop and Víctor Valdés.

A cracking performance from the Basque battler saw some amazing saves against Karim Benzema and Cristiano Ronaldo, although not from Kaká as far as the blog can remember, with Gorka realising that standing completely still is these days the only necessary tactic against the Brazilian in front of goal.

Athletic were superbly physical all over the pitch and worked their separatist socks off in a victory that could easily have been a defeat had Gorka not been in such fine form.

Sergio Canales
It looks set to be another week of press mayhem for the Racing striker after he accidentally scored another cracking goal - this time a looped chip-thing against Valladolid. Not enough to bring about a win for his side, mind.

Valencia’s ‘Little Men’
Marca’s words, not La Liga Loca’s, in praise of Ever Banega, David Villa and David Silva who all contributed efforts in Valencia’s 4-1 win over Villarreal on Sunday night.

Banega's effort was especially impressive with the Argentinian midfielder unleashing an unstoppable effort which saw a flash of white leaving poor Diego López in a very sticky situation indeed.

Atlético Madrid
Are we now seeing Atleti in its purest form? A side that plays lovely attacking football using the talents of Kun Agüero and Diego Forlán to the full but remains brilliantly inept at the back?

The 3-2 win over Sporting and, to an extent, the cup victory over Recreativo would certainly suggest so. The Rojiblancos were 1-0 up on Saturday before Sergio Asenjo clattered Diego Castro for no good reason other than the desire to liven the spectacle up a tad. The subsequent penalty saw Sporting pull the game back to 1-1.

At 3-1 up, Atlético went for the same trick by allowing Sporting the simplest of strikes in the 91st minute to leave the home team with a very nervy end to the game indeed.

If this is the way forward then all hail the New Atlético Madrid, says La Liga Loca.

Osasuna
Although they may have been helped a tad by the referee cunningly sending off the wrong Espanyol player, the damage was already done for the opposition with Osasuna taking a 2-0 lead in the opening eight minutes to ensure a tedious and occasionally violent slog for the remaining 82 of the game.

Henok Goitom
The returning-from-injury Almería striker may have grabbed a point for his side with an equaliser against Tenerife, but the he's still unable to prevent the Spanish sports media from gawking at Goitom in amazement over the fact that he can be Swedish without being blond and blue-eyed.

“Henok Goitom is a footballer of contrasts. He’s Swedish (yes Swedish) although we could deduce something different from the dark colour of his skin,” marvelled a stunned AS last weekend.

This time around, it was the turn of Gol TV with the commentator chuckling that “you didn’t mishear me!” when he gave Goitum’s nationality.

Xerez
A point! Whilst down to 10 men, too!

BAD DAY

Real Madrid
“Benzema, Ronaldo and Kaká have never lost a game they started together!” boasted Saturday’s Marca, adding shyly that the total of these stunning triumphs is three - including one against flippin’ Xerez.

The match for Madrid was supposed to be a thrashing for their Basque opponents, with seven out of eight of Florentino Pérez’ new arrivals starting the encounter. Instead, it was a defeat – although not as “impotent” as the Madridista press are currently claiming.

This particular fixture was won 5-2 at a canter last season. Saturday’s absentees included Pepe, Gonzalo Higuaín, Ruud van Nistelrooy and Rafael van der Vaart and had a Lassana Diarra struggling throughout the game with a muscle injury - all players signed under the Dark Master, Pedja Mijatovic.

And this has got the blog a-thinkin' that Real Madrid are currently suffering from “Pedja-dependency”. However, it doesn’t expect an editorial from Marca on the topic any time soon.

Zaragoza’s strikers
Jermaine Pennant had a superb half-hour cameo for Zaragoza on Sunday evening against Xerez, whacking in three delightful, should-have-been-buried crosses for his forwards.

Unfortunately they fell for Arizmendi and most criminally of all, Jorge López, who blasted a late effort over the bar from two metres like a big tw*t - if you pardon the brusqueness of the blog’s criticism - leaving Zaragoza with a goalless draw against the bottom of the table side.

Villarreal
Although there was wonderfully suicidal defending on display from Villarreal for much of the game, the visitors to Mestalla were a little hard done by on Sunday night, when Kiko saw red for a ‘challenge’ on David Villa that saw a successfully converted penalty and a 2-0 lead for Valencia after 27 minutes.

From what the blog saw, the defender cut across Villa whilst in pursuit of the forward without touching the striker, only for Villa to tumble to the ground. Even if there had been a brush of contact, it took place outside of the box. A bad decision all round.

But this doesn’t excuse what was yet another dreadfully poor performance from Villarreal, their third in a week.

Manolo Jiménez
La Liga Loca recommends a Spanish CSI team is sent to the Sevilla manager’s house forthwith, as it has no idea what could be hidden in Jiménez’ hash browns. But it can’t be good.

The starting line-up that the Sevilla boss selected to face Barcelona was absolutely baffling.

Yes, the previous lot hadn't exactly been much good of late, and yes a change of players may have worked. But Jesus Navas in central midfield with Valiente, Stankevicius and José Carlos? Koné up front on his own? Negredo and Renato on the bench for the whole game? Really?

The Water Boy
The film that La Liga Loca was flicking over to during the Osasuna v Espanyol clash and one that left the blog wondering how the heckety heck it ever got made.

------------------------------------------------

[Gnegneri]

Maniche jokes, ALWAYS superb.

[zealot]

Hi, I'm new here. I got a question here, did Maniche and this Tim Stannard guy have some sort of history together? Or is it just that Tim used to despise Maniche's long shots?

[Beast]

Hi, I'm new here. I got a question here, did Maniche and this Tim Stannard guy have some sort of history together? Or is it just that Tim used to despise Maniche's long shots?

From following his writings for the last couple of years you could easily tell he is an Atletico Madrid supporter , it's the stadium he usually go to all the time (almost every week ) Maniche waist line is a subject to many jokes due to the guy being really really fat.

anyhow

Nobody`s Even Listening To Poor Pep...

He could have painted himself yellow, stood naked on a plinth in Plaza de Cataluyna and screamed himself hoarse, but still nobody would have listened.

He could have stumbled out of a battered beach shack, Jesse's Diets style, and gibbered his mantra like a loon, but few would have paid attention.

He could have squatted in front of the world's press wearing a Real Madrid shirt with six little words scrawled across the front in his own body fluids and the indifference would have been deafening.

Nobody wanted to hear Pep Guardiola's oft-repeated promise that "Barça won't win six trophies again".

After all, winning pretty much everything in sight was extremely good for business in the Catalan press, for whom 2009 was a year-long, stripper-packed party at Real Madrid's expense. And it was a floozy-filled fiesta that they very much wanted to see rolling into 2010.

In the Madridista world, merrily ignoring Pep's desperate pleas for lowered expectations was a handy tactic for kicking Barcelona in the gonads at the moment of the club's first stumble.

And this was a highly-anticipated event that took place last week when the Catalan club were knocked out of the Copa del Rey against Sevilla.

'Barça fall from the heavens!' blasted the headline in 'AS' the morning after, ignoring the inconvenient fact that their beloved Real Madrid weren't even in the competition due to that unfortunate Alcorcón business.

'There's still five trophies left!' yelled Catalan daily 'Sport' in response to their rivals in Madrid.

Meanwhile, the Barça boss must have shaking his head in exasperation at the war of words between the two footballing factions - a war he'd been trying desperately to stop.

But Pep's recent rage against hysterical plaudits and critics alike and his complaint that, "the praise is over the top and excessive when we win...when we lose, it's same thing,"had been completely ignored, once again.

However, the elimination from the Spanish Cup - even less loved in Spain than its equivalent in England - for Barcelona was perhaps a win-win situation for the holders.

An increasingly-tired squad now has potentially four less games to play over the next month, but still put in a strong enough performance in the 1-0 win over Sevilla in the Sánchez Pizjuán to quieten some boisterous critics.

And those critics had been very vocal indeed after a 2-1 defeat in the Camp Nou in the first leg against Sevilla. However, a 5-0 away win at Tenerife last weekend and Saturday's 4-0 hammering of Sevilla (again) in la Liga sees Barcelona back in business and King of the Hill in the all-powerful sporting press.

These incredible ups and downs is just the way life works in both the Madrid and Catalan media when it concerns their two uber-dominant clubs. A defeat is a crisis and a win means infinite superiority over all godless rivals.

Take Real Madrid's last two games, for example. Last weekend, Manuel Pellegrini's men beat a not-really-trying Mallorca 2-0 in the Santiago Bernabeu in a performance that could best be described as 'fine'. 'Real Madrid are warming up,' claimed an excited Marca.

On Saturday night, Madrid lost 1-0 away to Athletic Bilbao in a match that could easily have seen a win for the visitors had the Basque goalkeeper Gorka Iraizoz not put in a stunning performance and the Athletic defence - including Liverpool's impressive San José - not held firm for 90 minutes.

'Real Madrid hit the wall!' noted Marca's headline after an evening that saw the supposedly fallible, flagging Barcelona extend their lead at the top of the table to five points.

In the paper's rather panicking editorial, Marca was not exactly throwing in the towel on the title race but it was certainly peeking into the closet to check that there was a clean one available, just in case. 'Madrid's margin for error has been reduced,' it noted sombrely.

Monday's edition was even more pessimistic in its perspective and took the massive step of moving Barcelona ahead of Real Madrid at the top of their alternative table - a table that ranks the teams using Marca's own interpretation of the weekend's refereeing decisions.

However, it didn't go completely doolally and only had Leo Messi one place above Ronaldo in their sportsmen of the weekend rankings, despite the fact that the former scored his 100th and 101st official goals for his club and the latter didn't. Although the Madrid player pretending to throw the ball into the face of a baying Athletic supporter was certainly entertaining.

The uncharacteristically sensitive Liverpool and Manchester United fans unhappy at the recent press coverage towards their two club teams should take note of what their counterparts in la Liga have to suffer on a daily basis

It took FA Cup failure, flagging league campaigns and stories of imminent bankruptcy for the English papers to declare that not all was rosy with both institutions. In Spain, a single defeat is more than enough for the media's panic button to be slammed with a fire axe.

Manuel Pellegrini has continuously warned that it will take more than a few months to build a completely new Real Madrid side from scratch. Doesn't matter, Florentino Pérez and his compliant press are demanding 6-0 wins every week.

Pep Guardiola says that winning six trophies all over again is a ludicrous concept. Doesn't matter, the Catalan press have boasting to be done and the Madridista pundits want to revel in his side's 'failure'.

It's no real wonder that the Barça coach seems to be even closer to a Camp Nou exit in June, when his current two-year contract runs out.

The tearful reaction to Barcelona's World Club Championship victory in December and increasingly terse responses to journalists' probes in press conferences suggest a manager that is getting very close indeed to the end of his tether.

Despite the local papers begging Guardiola to sign a new deal, Pep says that the topic is off limits. "If it was up to you, it would be all that you speak and write about," claimed the bullish Barcelona coach, last week before warning fans that "everything written about player signings or trades will be lies".

Club president Joan Laporta, someone who is definitely departing in the summer after his two terms expire, seems to be planning for the worst and told his coach through a TV interview after the 4-0 win over Sevilla that, "Easter would be a good time to know who our manager will be...as there would be time to look for alternatives."

Monday's press sees Guardiola's agent Josep Maria Orobtig reporting that his client has had six offers from foreign clubs. Those relating to England must be very tempting, indeed.

After all, two of them could be coming from sides where winning titles has never been a huge priority in recent years. What's more, the Catalan coach would be able to work in an environment where people might actually listen to what he has to say.

Well. More than they are at the moment, anyway.

Round 18 Results

Osasuna 2-0 Espanyol
Athletic 1-0 Real Madrid
Barcelona 4-0 Sevilla
Málaga 1-0 Getafe
Zaragoza 0-0 Xerez
Racing 1-1 Valladolid
Mallorca 2-0 Deportivo
Almería 1-1 Tenerife
Atlético 3-2 Sporting
Valencia 4-1 Villarreal

Tim Stannard

[Beast]

Bluster, boasts and baloney in la Liga

Tim Stannard
Wednesday 20 January 2010

The footie agenda in Spain for this week is supposedly dominated by the increasingly curious Copa del Rey and its quarter-final stages.

But as neither Real Madrid nor Barcelona are playing any part in it any more, there is little or no interest in the wider media in what is now considered a tinpot competition several rungs beneath the Zenith Data Systems trophy.

And this has the papers affiliated to the two teams with some thumb-twiddling time on their hands and five or so front pages to fill.

So it’s no surprise that the agendas of the Big Four have been tedious, tiresome and ludicrous in the extreme.

Over in Catalunya, the common themes in BarçaWorld have been Sport noting on their front page that Leo Messi has scored more goals than Cristiano Ronaldo in 2010 - an awful lot of research going into that news story - and the impending departure (or not) of Pep Guardiola.

Wednesday’s Mundo Deportivo desperately screams “Stay!!!” at the Barcelona coach as its headline whilst rolling around the floor in tears in the manner of Maniche after a pizza delivery.

However, there was brighter news for the poor dearies with news from Wednesday afternoon that Pep would be hanging on for another year with the Dream Boys, but that he won’t be putting pen to paper until the new president takes over, leaving him plenty of time to change his increasingly frazzled mind.

NEWS, Wed Jan 20: Guardiola agrees Barcelona extension

“He’s not signing for any incoming president,” writes an admiring Miguel Rico, “he’s signing for and with Barcelona.”

Over in Capital City, AS began the week very badly indeed but seem to have taken this as a challenge to get even worse.

Monday’s lead story claimed that Guti will be starting Sunday’s clash against Málaga with no evidence whatsoever to back their claim up aside from the contention that “Madrid don’t have a better solution than Guti.”

And La Liga Loca suspects that AS could well be right if Manuel Pellegrini is on the hunt for a bone-idle, prancing, bottling, utter ninny of a midfielder for the weekend’s encounter and Fernando Gago happens to be unavailable.

The sports daily upped their game in the desperation stakes on Wednesday with an interview taken from Champions magazine (also available in all good newsagents. Along with FourFourTwo) with Cesc Fabregas that gives no indication whatsoever that the midfielder intends joining Real Madrid.

But this has not prevented AS from claiming that “Cesc opens the door.”

Still, the paper is at least attempting a half-hearted stab at a news story - all be it in the manner of a five-year-old shovelling a sprout around their plate - and that’s a darn sight more than Marca are doing this week.

The local rag has taken advantage of the lull in activity with daily blasts of propaganda poo-poo on how great Florentino Pérez is.

Monday through to Wednesday’s editions have been dominated by the results of a poll ordered by the paper where 800 Real Madrid members had to put down their What Range Rover? catalogues for a few moments to answer a series of questions as to whether the club president could be considered "god-like" or merely "brilliant."

And the main staggering news from the survey is that everyone thinks that the Florentino is really, really, really, really great. In fact, 87.5 percent would vote for him if a new election were to be held today.

La Liga Loca suggests that this is because no other candidates would be able to afford to stand in it, nor have they got Marca constantly claiming that the sun shines out of their trapdoor.

However, the paper’s editorial on Tuesday smirks that the result is “a clear signal that things are going well... the president has fulfilled his duties in an outstanding manner.”

Wednesday’s front story is the stunning fact that 96 percent of those Madridistas polled think that paying €96 million for Cristiano Ronaldo was well worth the money.

No results on the Kaká question, mind, as far as La Liga Loca could see.

But then again, that would actually be something worth reading.

[Cule Angles]

Midweek events have put a spanner in the works of all the doom mongers who were predicting Pep's imminent departure.

[Metaphysical]

Midweek events have put a spanner in the works of all the doom mongers who were predicting Pep's imminent departure.

and the sun, who predicted pep could take over from arsene in the summer "because barcelona play football in the wenger-mould, like arsenal do." I dunno who made up that pep to united rumour, and I'm sure it was stupid, but the idea that we play football in the "wenger-mould" is such an insulting thing to say.

[Gnegneri]

I googled for it:


"Wenger invited him to attend Arsenal's match at Aston Villa almost exactly a year ago when Guardiola was coming under extreme pressure at Barca for poor form and results.
'The Professor' counselled the young coach to ride out the storm - just as he has many times - and stick to his principles and success would come.
When Barca won La Liga with a campaign which made Arsenal's football look mundane, Guardiola called Wenger to thank him.

Now he has received a DVD of every Arsenal match this season so he can study the way they play as well as the opposition.
Like Wenger, Guardiola is a slave to preparation, though his arrival at the Emirates would have another huge advantage other than just continuing the Wenger vision."



So, basically, everything we won, is thanks to Wenger and his vision.

[Cule Angles]

The English media's arrogance is simply breath taking.

[Beast]

SPAIN FOCUS
La Liga half-term report
Phil Ball

The players quake in their boots. It's the half-term report. This weekend was the 19th game of the season, which makes it the official half-way point. Appearance of cast in order of 'surprise' factor.

1. Mallorca: Finishing the first half of the season in fourth place was not beyond their wildest dreams - let's not be condescending to a side that has made respectable finishes in the last two seasons (seventh and then ninth). More surprising has been their astonishing home form at the Oni Estadi - not exactly Spain's most passionate or atmospheric stadium. They've won all nine of their home games, but only managed one win on their travels. Aritz Aduriz has been their star man, performing well enough to bring him into the gaze of Vicente Del Bosque. Athletic Bilbao are rumoured to want him back at the end of the season. If Mallorca finish in a Champions League place, Aduriz will very probably stay put.

2. Valencia: When you see them sitting in third place, and you look at the squad they still have, you detect a certain coherence in their position at this half-way stage. But many people had written them off before the season began, perhaps expecting the exodus of players that never happened. David Silva may be on his way to Madrid in the summer, and who knows where David Villa will end up, especially if he has a good World Cup - but Valencia have overcome a massive financial crisis, a lack of faith in their manager (Unai Emery) and the feeling that the squad was too dependent on its (older) big names. The only fly in the ointment has been their weirdly poor home form (only four games won) whereas their seven away victories almost broke a club record for the half-term stage. They should now be aiming for a runners-up spot at the end of the season but their home disability may prevent this.

3. Deportivo de La Coruña: For a side that had a sensational ten years between 1995 and 2005, recent seasons have been a bit lacklustre, but the late rise to seventh position last season perhaps augured something. The loss of their excellent full-back Filipe Luis due to a long-term injury is bad news, but the squad, without any really big names, has performed more solidly than expected, and they are only outside of the Champions League places on goal difference. Wins are generally narrow affairs, the goals are hardly abundant, but they're tight at the back and don't take any prisoners. As one Spanish journalist suggested, "they don't sing you songs in the moonlight", but it's effective. They may well stay up there.

4. Sevilla: They get an early mention for the wrong reasons. Still going well in the cup and the Champions League, their league form is becoming increasingly bizarre. Most Liga watchers tipped them as the 'third horse' this season, but their alarming inconsistency, possibly due to the losses of Frederic Kanouté and Luis Fabiano for longish stretches, has condemned them to a disappointing sixth spot at this stage.

5. Athletic Bilbao: I saw them play earlier in the season at home to Atlético Madrid and their enthusiasm, as ever undimmed, seemed to mask a general lack of overall quality. But they've confounded the cynics and had a more-than-decent first half, lying eighth and only four points short of Mallorca's fourth. Still alive in the Europa League, they look as though they could progress further and make a bit of a splash for themselves. Young pup Iker Muniain is a future star who will at least guarantee future funds, and Fernando Llorente is turning into a class act. Many locals considered manager Joaquín Caparrós to be on borrowed time, but he seems to be nicely settled in the job and even claims to have learned some Basque. Oso ondo, Joaquín!

6. Villarreal: The sick man of the first half, there are signs of life, but it's been a tough first voyage in the submarine for manager Ernesto Valverde, who was always going to have his work cut out following the Manuel Pellegrini act. Ninth position is hardly tragic, given their appalling start, but with such a classy squad they should be much higher. Expectations have changed radically at the Madrigal with an average finishing position of fourth in the past five seasons. Nihat has gone, Giuseppe Rossi, Santi Cazorla and Ariel Ibagaza have been sporadic and off colour, and Joseba Llorente hasn't figured much so far this term. Marcos Senna has also been injured and age has finally caught up with Robert Pires. Nilmar looks the business, but something's not quite right.

7. Getafe: Seventh here and seventh in the league, nobody seemed too sure about their likely destiny this season after Michel seemed to keep them up last season following his late arrival. Losing Esteban Granero to Real Madrid hardly looked to be helping their cause for this term, but as with Miguel Angel Lotina at Depor, Michel has gelled an unspectacular but efficient squad, capable of beating anyone and not easy to beat, at least in the Coliseum. Their 30 points are a club record for a primera vuelta, as they call the first half here, and they're looking likely semi-finalists in the King's Cup. Michel's manager profile is on the up, which is just as well, because nobody wants him to return as a TV commentator.

8. Málaga: Last season's surprise package, maybe it shouldn't be too odd that they haven't been able to keep up appearances, but 16th at this stage - on the same points as Tenerife in the first relegation spot - doesn't augur well and wasn't a fall foreseen. Some of their football has actually been quite decent, and their defensive record is much better than the teams below them, but they've drawn too many games. Duda is a classy player, as is Jesus Gámez. Selim Benachour is rapidly improving, too. They should survive.

9. Sporting de Gijón: Still the team that causes English commentators most phonetic nightmares ('Gijón' comes over like a donkey's bray), I'm not so sure that their position of 10th is so surprising. However, they seemed to be several journalists' favourite for a struggle this season and, while they still may be proved right, a decent enough showing in the Molinón has kept up appearances thus far. The problem for the next term might be the lack of goals (only 20 scored so far), and losing Michel to Birmingham won't help the cause.

10. Almería: New manager and master of the sound-bite Juanma Lillo has improved things of late, but rather more was expected of Almería after a couple of half-decent seasons. Was it all Hugo Sánchez's fault? Probably.

11. Racing de Santander: Last season saw a slight falling-off from the euphoria of 2008, but until a few weeks ago, things for this campaign were looking dodgy and Racing looked to be in one of their terminal decline phases. Enter a new manager, enter Sergio Canales and - bingo - it is all smiles again at the Sardine Can. The new boy wonder has, of course, been snapped up by Madrid, but will stay by the seaside until the summer at least.

12. Osasuna: We're moving into the more predictable territory now. Osasuna mid-table? Yep, and that's where they'll stay.

13. Espanyol: A new stadium and some decent-looking signings over the summer (Shunsuke Nakamura, Ben Sahar, Joan Verdú) gave the squad a more balanced look than previously, but the Raul Tamudo affair seems to have overshadowed things and the team has sputtered on a wet fuse so far. But they're much too good to go down. They'll improve, but not a great deal.

14. Tenerife: They'd been out of the top flight since 2002, but they seem to belong there somehow. As such, expectations were reasonably high with a proven goalscorer in Nino and a solid enough midfield line (Mikel Alonso, Román, Richi), but it hasn't worked out for them so far. They have played some decent enough football, but their away record is horrible. It must be all that flying they have to do.

15. Zaragoza: Again, a side expected to consolidate their return, it's all going horribly wrong. They've looked very poor and are understandably next to bottom.

16. Valladolid: Hard workers, but they just seem short of class to haul themselves any higher. Could be a candidate for the drop, if Tenerife improve.

17. Real Madrid: Did we expect them to be second at this stage? Be it on your conscience, but plenty thought they would take longer to settle, at least in terms of results. Home record has been impeccable.

18. Xerez: Sorry, Xerez, but we kind of expected you to struggle. Good luck for next term, but despite a new manager with an impressive hairstyle (Néstor Gorosito) one fears that taking just a measly eight points has already condemned them to a swift return from whence they came.

19. Atlético Madrid: The perennially maddest team in La Liga has had a predictably insane first term. The entertainment value (for neutrals) has been wondrous, nevertheless.

20. Barcelona: They've lost a trophy, but it's hardly a crisis. With not quite the swagger of last season, they are still unplayable on their day (most of the time). Unbeaten this term, it's another record for the club. Entirely predictable, but that's no criticism.

[Beast]

Ronaldo Sees Red For Madrid...Again
Posted 25/01/10



The black, sleek supercar containing Cristiano Ronaldo shot out of Real Madrid's underground car park and tore away from the Santiago Bernabeu at 10,000 miles an hour, scattering the brave autograph hunters who tried blocking its path.

With a red light cheerfully ignored, the world's most expensive player had fled the scene of yet another night of goal-poaching, petulance and apologising.

Just five minutes before, Cristiano Ronaldo had stood in front of a fighting, frenzied press pack explaining away his second red card of the season when he should have been posing and preening after his brace had handed Madrid a 2-0 victory over visiting Málaga.

With Kaká desperately out of sorts, Karim Benzema lost in translation and Xabi Alonso barely able to pick out a five-yard pass, Ronaldo should have been boasting of being the only New Galactico to come close to repaying his titanic transfer fee.

Instead, the Portuguese player was 'asking for forgiveness' according to Monday's Marca. Fortunately for the Madrid forward this requirement for a public confession was not an unfamiliar situation for cranky Cristiano.

After a match against Almería in December, Ronaldo had to admit that he was only human after all, having picked up two yellows for whipping his shirt off in a goal celebration and booting an opposition player from behind after a touchline tussle.

But late on Sunday night, Ronaldo had decided to plead not guilty to his latest dismissal - a flying elbow to the face of full-back Patrick Mtiliga - that left his opponent with a broken nose, three weeks on the sidelines and an apology from the Portugeezer before he met the press.

"It wasn't a red card here, nor anywhere else in the world," claimed Ronaldo on his 70th-minute dismissal, explaining that had his Danish assailant been a little taller, then his elbow used to fend off Mtiliga's advances would have hit him in the chest. It was a potentially plausible theory had it not been for the fact that Ronaldo gave a little look back before launching his assault on the defender.

The red card for Florentino Pérez' prized pet topped off what had been a fairly rotten week for Real Madrid. It began with an away defeat to Athletic Bilbao and the sight of Barcelona five points clear at the top of the table.

The bad vibes continued on Wednesday with a 'friendly' in Tirana against Albanian side Gramozi Erseke after local oil baron, Rezart Taçi, paid a reported €2.5 million fee for the chance to lure Madrid to his neck of the woods and stroll around the potholed pitch with the Real Madrid president.

It made for a truly delightful image for a club boasting of a 'clean and white flag' in its anthem to have its figurehead hanging with a gentleman who recently completed a two-week spell in prison having been charged with beating Albanian publisher and journalist, Mero Baze, unconscious after unfavourable reports on Taçi's business dealings.

However, to be fair to Madrid's midweek host, Taçi does deny being involved in the four-minute assault despite the fact that it was allegedly performed by his own bodyguards in a bar where he was present at the time.

Still, the economic times are hard in Spain even for Real Madrid and those under-performing, elbow-flying superstars certainly don't pay for themselves.

And those same superstars had to sit and watch Barcelona make it an unbeaten first half of the season on Saturday night, after a comfortable 3-0 away win over Valladolid - only the fifth side in the history of la Primera to achieve such a feat.

What's more, a team mocked in the Madridista media for having supposedly dropped their very high standards to become beatable, finished the midway point of the campaign with 49 points, 49 goals, possessing the top league scorer in Leo Messi with 15 strikes and the best 'keeper with Victor Valdés having conceded just ten.

This had all come just a few days after an extremely unenthusiastic promise - but a promise nonetheless - from Pep Guardiola that he would be at the Camp Nou for another season but would not sign his contract until the summer.

"I had to get this over with as [the pressure] was getting intolerable," explained the unsmiling Barça boss.

Whilst Madrid did grab all three points at the Bernabeu on Sunday it was a lacklustre performance against a Málaga side fighting relegation. Aside from Ronaldo's two strikes - especially his second effort - there was almost nothing for the crowd at the Bernabeu to cheer.

Instead, they opted for barracking Manuel Pellegrini for the substitution of the lively Guti and whistling Kaká after he trotted off the pitch after another display where he displayed 'ni fu, ni fa' as the locals would say.

But the times may be getting even tougher for Real Madrid. Next Saturday, the team are facing fifth-placed Deportivo with Ronaldo suspended, Kaká and Benzema desperately out of form and leading league scorer Gonzalo Higuaín still injured.

What's more, Madrid are now without Ruud Van Nistelrooy, who waved a tearful good-bye to a madly-applauding Bernabeu crowd before the Málaga clash, having signed a deal with Hamburg.

This unfortunate series of events is combined with the worrying fact that Depor's Riazor ground is a desperately unlucky one for Madrid with the side without a win in La Coruña since the 1991-92 campaign.

Nevertheless, Manuel Pellegrini is putting a brave face on a league title chase that could see his team eight points behind in, in a week's time

"I'm happy with the performance of the team after the first round of matches," said the Chilean coach. "We've got a lot of points and won a lot of games. But we've got to improve as there's one side that's doing better than us."

Worryingly for Pellegrini and Pérez, the situation in regards to the aforementioned outfit shows little sign of changing with a comfortable Barcelona following the expression 'more power to your elbow' in a very different sense to a certain Real Madrid player on Sunday night.

Round 19 Results

Sevilla 1-0 Almería
Valladolid 0-3 Barcelona
Deportivo 3-1 Athletic
Tenerife 0-0 Valencia
Sporting 0-1 Racing
Villarreal 4-2 Zaragoza
Xerez 1-2 Osasuna
Espanyol 1-1 Mallorca
Getafe 1-0 Atlético Madrid
Real Madrid 2-0 Málaga


Tim Stannard

[Beast]

Getafe emerge from the shadow of their own advertising campaign
After years of relying on curious adverts to lure supporters, the football is now enough of an attraction by itself
Sid Lowe


Jesus Christ in jeans. A bodybuilding dwarf. A man laying an egg. In a dressing gown. While clipping his nails. A hairy-chested transvestite with a string of pearls and a plunging neckline. A melancholic monster moping about a misty, moonlit moor. A two-headed motorist dancing across a petrol station forecourt. Some aggrieved politicians. One mighty annoyed church. And, now, the most shocking thing of all: a genuinely good football team. The things Getafe will say to get your attention, the things they'll do to drag you south, to get you along to the Alfonso Pérez Coliseum in the shadow of the Cerro de los Angeles monument and a shopping centre monstrosity – defying deities and defying the odds.

Every summer, Getafe bring out an advert to attract supporters to their cause. From the biblical storm that asks God who He thinks He is to demand they kill their son, and insists that there's no way they're removing a rib just for Him – because, never mind the Almighty, their team comes first; to the sons with ropey grades and nocturnal secrets, forgiven because a love for Getafe conquers all. Or the monster who turns away the innocent little boy in the tank-top because, he reasons: "I love you so much that I don't want you to love me."

"You can never be happy with me," the monster says. "I destroyed all your dreams, I devoured your heart and your soul."

The monster represents Getafe, the boy, their fans. The message is clear: supporting Getafe is suffering. Satisfaction not guaranteed. Despite two Copa del Rey finals, a Uefa Cup quarter-final against Bayern Munich, and victories over Real Madrid and Barcelona – a hugely impressive record for a side that only made their first division debut in 2004 having spent the majority of their history in the amateur third division in a town that barely existed 40 years ago – it's hard following Getafe. And as this summer's offering had it, last season was the hardest yet: "Just six penalties scored from 12, four goalkeepers, just six home wins, 11 points lost in the dying minutes, and survival on the final day – on goal difference." The pressure was too much.

But the pressure, continues the voice-over as the egg drops, cracks open and, for some reason, reveals a dwarf in a leotard flexing his muscles, had to give somehow. Had to give eventually. And now it had, relegation had been avoided, it was time for a different message. It was "time to be big once more".

Few imagined they really would be. You could hear the sniggers, the sniping, the whispers. Getafe are doomed, they said. And they said Getafe were doomed because of their coach: José Miguel González Martín del Campo. Míchel to you and me. "¡Míchel, Míchel, Míchel, maricón!" to fans across Spain after arguably the most famous moment of his career, when he tickled Carlos Valderrama's testicles, groping at his goolies as the pair – the pair of players, that is – waited for a corner. ¡Míchel, Míchel, Míchel, poof! The impossibly smooth, darkly handsome, impeccable former Madrid No8 and opinionated TVE commentator, with the kind of luxuriously thick hair that no one actually has but adorns barbers' windows worldwide.

Míchel has his defenders, his cheerleaders. But he has his detractors too. Some said he was the new Pep Guardiola – most didn't. Few publicly attacked him but privately the whispers continued, drip dripping into people's minds. Sure, they said, Míchel had arrived with five games remaining and Getafe in trouble last season; sure, they said, Getafe survived; and sure, he was a wonderfully talented footballer who played for Madrid for 12 years. But, they said, he was also a bit, well, wet. A bit temperamental. A bit self-centred. The man who celebrated his third against South Korea at Italia 90, shouting: "¡me lo merezco!" "I deserve it!" Who stormed out the Santiago Bernabéu because fans were whistling him.

Above all, he was the high horse-riding coach who talked a good game but didn't actually play one, whose zealously guarded, purified footballing ideal was shipwrecked on bitter reality: he had been relegated with Castilla and missed promotion with Rayo Vallecano. As for saving Getafe, he hadn't really: he arrived with them 17th and they finished 17th, thanks to a solitary goal after a frantic final day.

The start of this season proved it; sure, Getafe won their opening game, but then they lost. They were fine at home, fearful away. They were supremely, infuriatingly consistent. Every time they won, they lost. They won in week four and lost in week five, won in week six and lost in week seven, won in week eight and lost in week nine. They were, moaned the president Angel Torres, "a bunch of mothers". Míchel admitted they were "soft". The fans took it out on midfielder Adrián González – Míchel's son. Classic Míchel, went the whispers, a team in his image. Pointlessly pretty. Nothing changes.

Only the prettiness was not pointless. Only things were changing, had changed. Soon, results did too. As one insider puts it: "Michael Laudrup ended up selling out his squad and Víctor Muñoz completely ignored his players, ending up without a single player on his side." Míchel altered the atmosphere, created unity. The players queued to sing his praises, which of course they would do, but they raved about him privately too. There was no sign of the arrogance of lore; there was rather commitment, togetherness, solidarity, charisma, charm, humour, a determination to make every player part of the project – only two squad members remain unused.

There is a toughness too, thanks in part to assistant Juan Eduardo Esnaider – a proper hardnut who admits "I don't get angry, I am angry." But the commitment to a style remains. His style. Every exercise is accompanied by a ball; Míchel insists on playing from the back, on technique, possession, opening the pitch up. 4-2-3-1 is not 4-5-1 by another name; nor is it 4-3-3.

It is their style, too. If Míchel has been perfect for Getafe, cut from the same mould as previous coaches – young ex-players, cutting their managerial teeth – Getafe has been perfect for Míchel. He has a young, genuinely talented squad, built on the cheap but packed with technically gifted players, all of them comfortable on the ball. A squad which, Míchel insists, makes his job "easy". From Javier Casquero to Manu del Moral, Juan Albín to Rafa López, Dani Parejo to Fabio Celestini, from Jaime Gavilán to this season's star – Pedro León. Only Real Madrid, Barcelona and Valencia have played more passes. And if anything has been missing, it's the finish: Roberto Soldado has scored 10 but six came in two games – against Racing and Xérez. Only four sides have produced more assists for chances, but when it comes to scoring assists, 11 have.

Beaten in week 10, Getafe won five of the next six, only losing late in Villarreal. And although they lost the next two, 1-0 against Sporting and Málaga, victory over Sevilla was, says Manu, a watershed – the moment they realised they could look up not down, the moment they thought they could do something they'd never done before.

Over the last week, they did. On Wednesday Getafe closed in on the Copa del Rey semi-final by winning in Mallorca for the first time ever. Last night they defeated Atlético Madrid at the Coliseum – the only primera side they had never beaten at home. But it wasn't just that they defeated Atlético, it was that the visitors were never in it. That the goal was a classic Getafe goal, a classic Míchel goal – neatly carved out, the final, precise pass delivered from the right, the final touch added on the left, barely a yard out. That as the first half of the season closes, Getafe sit seven points clear of Atlético, securing the best primera vuelta in their history. That they are one place off European qualification and just four points off the Champions League slots. That the whispering has stopped. It was that these days there's a very good reason to go to the Coliseum. Not for the cross-dressing or for the bible-bashing or for the egg-laying, but for the football Getafe are playing.

Talking points
• Cristiano Ronaldo was the victim of another unprovoked attack, says Marca. This time that nasty Málaga player Mtiliga assaulted Ronaldo's elbow. With his nose. Mtiliga got a broken nose, Ronaldo got a red card. He insists that he was only trying to break free from Mtiliga's grip – which might actually be true, although there are ways of doing that and ways of doing that – and that it was playing in England that taught him to fight to get away from challenges and never to dive. It's not his fault, he said, that Mtiliga is short – if he'd been bigger, Ronaldo would have got him in the chest. Which would have been fine. It looks like Madrid are going to appeal against the red card. Real Madrid won 2-0 – with two from Cristiano Ronaldo – but Pellegrini admitted that he wasn't happy. Nor is just about anyone else.

• "We will reconstruct Haiti". Yes, I bet you will.

• Four days after Pep Guardiola signed a virtual contract extension, his side wrapped up a virtual title. Barcelona are La Liga's honorary Winter Champions after beating Valladolid 3-0, thanks largely to another brilliant performance from Footballing Sonic the Hedgehog, Dani Alves. At the half way stage of the season – during which every team has played every other team once – Barcelona remain unbeaten. More ridiculously, they have not even been behind yet this season. The second half of the season will be harder – Barcelona have to go away to Sevilla, Real Madrid, Atlético Madrid and Espanyol – but they have a five-point lead. Only five sides have ever finished the first half of the season unbeaten before. Mind you, Real Madrid have done it five times and the last side to do it – Real Sociedad in 2002-2003 – didn't even win the league.

• Rezart Taçi. Hmm.

• At the halfway stage, the bottom three are last season's promoted three. Xérez have a new manager but even the arrival of the world's greatest ever mullet could not rescue them as they went down to Osasuna. Still, at least they scored. That's eight for the season now. Tenerife got an impressive draw with Valencia – and, but for César, might have got quite a lot more. And things just go from bad to worse for the Zaragoza coach José Aurelio Gay, whose side lost again. They've picked up just two points from 15 under him. Pennant watch: on the bench again.

• 80 consecutive games came to an end in the worst possible way for the Deportivo defender Felipe Luís, who has broken his ankle and will be out for the rest of the season – and, in all probability, the World Cup too.

Week 19 results: Deportivo La Coruña 3 Athletic Bilbao 1; Espanyol 1 Mallorca 1; Getafe 1 Atlético Madrid 0; Real Madrid 2 Málaga 0; Sevilla 1 Almería 0; Tenerife 0 Valencia 0; Valladolid 0 Barcelona 3; Villarreal 4 Zaragoza 2; Xérez 1 Osasuna 2.

[Beast]

Good Day, Bad Day: Round 19

Monday 25 January 2010 15:16
GOOD DAY

Dani Alves
La Liga Loca is uncertain whether Dani Alves’ goal was a mishit cross or flukey shot. But it isn’t that bothered about finding out, really.

It was just a cracking strike and topped off a superb performance by the cheeky Brazilian, which produced an assist and a nightmare night for Valladolid’s vanquished defence.

“If he weren’t human, Alves would be an almost perfect machine,” gasped Juan Cruz in AS over the full-back’s performance.

Saturday’s 3-0 win away at Valladolid was similar to many other matches from Barcelona this season: let the opposition have a wee nibble for 20 minutes before devouring their opponents like Maniche and a Big Mac.

With Deportivo set to stuff Real Madrid in Riazor once again next week, La Liga Loca has a sneaky feeling that Barcelona’s lead at the top of the table is about to be considerably larger than five.


Sevilla
Saturday was an extremely good day for Sevilla, with the team’s 1-0 win over Almería not bad considering the sixth-placed side were absolutely atrocious and only had a jammy goal and another fine performance from Andrés Palop to thank for preventing what should have been their fifth league defeat in a row.


Getafe
Due to some Bernabeu business, La Liga Loca completely missed Getafe’s glorious 1-0 thrashing of Atlético to officially become “the second best side in Madrid”.

Pound for pound, a sniffy La Liga Loca would probably move Getafe up a position in that particular chart.

Sunday’s win in the Coliseum gives Getafe 30 points to make it the best Primera start for the side in their top-flight history.


Villarreal
It was a game of Russian roulette for Villarreal, claims Monday’s Marca. Luckily, Ernesto Valverde’s side avoided having their brains plastered over El Madrigal against Zaragoza. But only just.

At 3-0 up and coasting, Villarreal decided to give their fans some Sunday evening stress by letting their opponents grab two before picking up a fourth with just minutes left through a ponderous Ariel Ibagaza effort.

“In the world of football, everyone suffers,” noted Valverde after the game. These days, this is especially the case for his own side’s supporters.


César Sánchez
It may not have been a great match for his Valencia teammates in the goalless draw at Tenerife, but the 57-year-old goalie spared the blushes of the failing forward line against a tenacious opposition team with some cracking saves.


Racing Santander
The 1-0 away win at Sporting was Racing’s third in four and... and... everyone stopped reading after the word ‘the’, didn’t they?


Cristiano Ronaldo
It was a truly touching moment. Cristiano Ronaldo down on his knees, looking to the heavens for an explanation for yet another heinous slur against his good name.

All that was missing was an Anakin / Darth style “Nooooo!” and a frantic fist wave in response to his second red card of the season.

The Madrid forward is fulfilling nearly all of La Liga Loca's pre-season expectations of him. Gallons of pouting, oodles of needless stepovers, scaring the pants off Villarreal defenders and some cracking goals along the way - the most recent being the second effort against Málaga on Sunday night.

All that’s missing is a series of uncomfortably-squatting, boob-flaunting floozies bragging about their nights of passion with the wondrous winger on the infinite number of gossip programmes filling Spain’s airwaves.

Most importantly of all, Cristiano Ronaldo is one of the few Primera performers capable of getting into La Liga Loca’s Good Day section and...

BAD DAY

Cristiano Ronaldo
...the Bad Day section, having ruined (or embellished, depending on which way your milkshake is sucked) his fine brace against Málaga with a swipe of the elbow to rearrange poor Patrick Mtiliga’s face.

Even militantly Madridista Marca admit that the second-half red card was a fair cop guv'nor, but Monday’s editorial still pleads forgiveness for the player from the fans. “He made a mistake, but he’s not killed anyone,” claims the column.

Even more remarkably, the paper fails to include Ronaldo in the Top Ten heroes and villains section of their weekend review and chooses to make Guti the top performer in the world’s wild weekend of sport.

La Liga Loca feels that it would have been a very different outcome had, say, Zlatan Ibrahimovic seen red under the same circumstances.



Kaká, Karim Benzema
It may be a tad unfair to rip this underperforming pair to shreds every week, but it’s fun and that’s all that matters really after another game when they both did next to nothing.

The blog chatted to Málaga’s defensive nut-job Weligton (yes, Weligton) after his side’s defeat to try and get him to dish more dirt on Dumb and Dumber. But the Brazilian centre-back refused to put the boot in and simply said that they were both great players and it was very enjoyable to play against the pair. Bah!


Felipe Luis
Destitute-Deportivo may have won their home clash against Athletic Bilbao - wholly undeservedly, by the way - but the sight of Miguel Angel Lotina in tears on the bench shows that it was a very bad night indeed for his team.

It was the night Depor lost their brilliant Brazilian left-back Felipe for the season after he snapped his ankle when going in for his side’s opening effort and having the blameless Gorka land on top of his exposed leg.

“I would rather have just 20 points and Felipe fit,” admitted the emotional Deportivo boss after the 3-1 victory that leaves his side in fifth.


Atlético Madrid
Not so much a bad day for Atlético but a fairly ordinary one for the Rojiblancos after their latest balls-up. “A horrible Atleti,” note Sport, attacking the side for lacking “a soul and football” in the defeat to Getafe.

“Atlético are back to insulting their fans,” says F Javier Díaz in AS in response to the team’s first defeat in the Coliseum with his colleague Iñako Díaz-Guerra noting that “the only other team in Madrid with serious options of making into Europe this year are Getafe.”


Zaragoza
La Liga Loca has always been a little slow off the mark in pretty much all aspects of its life. This explains why the blog is only now starting to grasp the notion that Zaragoza may well be going back down to the second division after Sunday’s 11th defeat of the season.


Espanyol
Missed chances, a controversial penalty, and only a point at home against Mallorca. A knee-knacked Paul from Barcelona can merely mutter about “being stitched up Xavi-style” at Sunday’s encounter in El Prat Cornella.

Get well soon! And the same for your team, too.

Valladolid
Once again, Valladolid’s crazy offside-trap-on-the-halfway-line scheme fails to live up to the coach’s expectations.

Xerez
New manager. New perm. New defeat.

------------------------------------------------

[Raed]

Especially this:

There is a toughness too, thanks in part to assistant Juan Eduardo Esnaider – a proper hardnut who admits "I don't get angry, I am angry."