Liga Pundits articles

[Gnegneri]

Thanks for the update, G.

[Beast]

'Hurricane' Athletic blowing hot with Fernando Llorente flying high

Sid Lowe
Villarreal found out just how imposing Athletic Bilbao and their in-form forward can be at San Mamés on Sunday

When Athletic Bilbao striker Fernando Llorente was called up to the Spain squad last November people thought they'd got the wrong man. It was a tragic miscarriage of justice, a case of mistaken identity - a characteristic cock-up from the same Football Federation that spread the final day of 2005-06 over three different dates and changed the format of the Copa del Rey midway through, locking the doors and hiding under the desk when the clubs came to complain. Spain coach Vicente del Bosque had handed the Federation a list of players with "Llorente" scrawled upon it and the crazy fools had only gone and rung the wrong one. There was no other explanation.


Sure, Llorente had been second top scorer at the 2005 World Youth Championships, only trailing a little lad by the name of Leo. Sure, he was talented. And, sure, he'd had his moments, hitting a hat-trick against Lanzarote in his second-ever match. But in November 2008 Athletic were second bottom, enduring their worst start ever, and he'd scored just twice in 10 games. He'd got a grand total of 14 league goals in three full seasons, and won more ¡Vaya Día! awards than El crack or El dandy ones put together. In other words, according to the sports daily AS, he'd had a "terrible day" more than he'd been the "star" or the "stylist". Born in Pamplona and brought up in La Rioja, a product of Athletic's youth system, even his coach Joaquín Caparrós didn't seem that impressed, noting: You don't produce goals, you buy them."


In short, Llorente wasn't that good. Well, Fernando Llorente wasn't. Because at the same time, 410 miles away, another Basque striker was making a name for himself. A familiar name. In November 2008, Villarreal were unbeaten in second. Their striker Joseba Llorente, born in Guipúzcoa, had already scored five to go with the 45 he'd got over the previous three seasons. The previous season he'd had the fourth-best average rating in La Liga. And, as for buying goals, it was his goals Caparrós wanted to buy.


On the forums they were going bonkers – and not just because some of those of a political persuasion were furious one of the 165 footballers backing nationalist demands for the Basque representative team to be formally renamed Euskal Herria should play for Spain. Posts like "Madre mía, F. Llorente in the selección? He's hardly in form. Joseba? Now, there's a man who is"; "Llorente? Mother of God, they'll call me and my mum next"; and "if he wants a Llorente, it has to be Joseba", littered blogs everywhere. As Fernando strolled into Spain's Las Rozas HQ you half expected a heartbroken Joseba to be hammering on the glass and bellowing: "Mr Del Bosque! Mr Del Bosque!" You could have forgiven Del Bosque for muttering a "you've done it this time, you useless eejits" under his moustache.


Only, this time they'd got it right. And those who didn't trust in Del Bosque should have done. A goal against England followed, there were 10 in the league, including goals against Valencia, Atlético and Real Madrid, and four in the Copa del Rey, with one in each leg of the semi to take his side to a first final in 20 years. Athletic climbed as high as ninth and, although not mathematically safe until week 35, finished in a relatively comfortable 13th. Another Spain goal followed in the summer and then this weekend Llorente got two more as Athletic beat Villarreal 3-2 at San Mamés - just three days after getting two against FK Austria in the Europa League. Joseba, meanwhile, is yet to score this season.


But it wasn't just that Athletic beat Villarreal, it was they way they beat them. The way that Basque football traditionally beats teams: in the air. "The English way." And it wasn't just that Llorente scored twice – in fact, he should have got more, his aim proving less impressive than the Kaiku rowing team who took the honorary kick-off and booted the ball straight at Giuseppe Rossi - it was the way he dominated his opponents. It was that this time AS did name him their crack, the man who "made martyrs of the yellow defence".


Maybe the call-up itself was the key, providing vital confidence. Maybe coach Caparrós, a straight-talking, frantically chewing, street-fighting manager, an expert in what he himself defines as "the other football", finally got inside his head. He did it with Jesús Navas, Sergio Ramos and Dani Alves and Llorente admits: "He's always on top of me." Tall, strong, powerful in the air and technically gifted, everyone knew Llorente was a good player. Trouble was, too often he was as wet as an otter's pocket. "I don't always believe in myself; there are days when I'm apathetic on the pitch," he concedes. "But last season, I changed my mentality and showed more fight." "He is learning to impose himself and use his strength and his body better," remarked former Athletic striker Ismael Urzaiz, a few weeks after the call-up.


On Saturday night, Villarreal found out just how imposing he can be. They couldn't stop him; every time the ball came into the box – which was pretty much all the time – they were powerless. "We couldn't combat their aerial game," admitted the Villarreal coach Ernesto Valverde and the two goals his side got flattered them, AS describing Athletic as "flattening" their opponents, El Mundo calling them a "hurricane" and Marca declaring it their best performance "in many years", insisting "no one coughs on Athletic". "Athletic were clearly the better side," said Valverde. "We were magnificent," added Caparrós. "You can't ask for more."


They certainly can't. Athletic have won three from three, the only side to keep up with Madrid and Barcelona – their best start in 21 years. While Caparrós is from Sevilla, which is a world away from the Basque Country culturally and footballistically, the fact that he fits Athletic's identity with its emphasis on competiveness, intensity, directness, spirit and youth has been neatly embodied in 'Joaquín' getting swapped for the Basquified 'Jókin'. Carlos Gurpegui appears to have re-found his feet and makes an excellent midfield partnership with Javi Martínez. Andoni Iraola is one of the country's best right-backs. Toquero is becoming something more than an enthusiastic mascot. And 16-year-old Iker Muniaín looks like he might be genuinely special.


Not that Caparrós is getting carried away. It's time to cut and keep the league table because Athletic won't stay there long. In fact, with a 1,000km midweek trip to Tenerife followed by a visit from Sevilla, they might not stay there more than a few days. Athletic's start may be their best since Howard Kendall was coach and tenant in a granny flat at the club's Lezama training ground, but it has probably been aided by having to play European qualifying games, giving them a running start - an advantage that could soon turn into a disadvantage - and they've been lucky too, winning their first two matches 1-0 against Espanyol and Xérez (the second thanks an own goal). As Caparrós put it last season: "In football, you can go from whore to nun in five minutes." And you can go back again just as quick.



Talking points


• Madrid and Barcelona both scored five but if that sounds like they were both impressive, they weren't. Well, Madrid weren't. Barcelona were a goal up after two minutes, Madrid after 47 seconds but while Barcelona went on to score five superb goals, four them before half time, Pep Guardiola was not best pleased (even though he should have been, although in terms of control you could see his point). Manuel Pellegrini wasn't pleased either – and he was right not to be. For 74 minutes, Madrid had the fans twitching nervously and grumbling as they (budget: €442m) made very, very hard work of Xérez (budget: €9m). Rarely has a 5-0 been so flattering. Mind you, Cristiano Ronaldo does look good. Even if Leo Messi looks even better. Already the top two, let's face it, Madrid and Barcelona are playing a different league to everyone else.


• Now they're hinting the Atlético coach Abel Resino might get booted out. President under pressure; coach gets fired. How very predictable. No wins in three games, nine goals conceded, Kun Agüero injured and even Diego Forlán missing chances, Atlético's "crisis" could be for real.


• Just when Valencia looked half decent, they went and drew 2-2 with Sporting Gijón. But that wasn't the point; the point was that David Villa – four goals already this season – said after the game that Valencia didn't deserve any more and would go "the same way as last season" if they play so conservatively again. "We did not play the right way after we took the lead," he said. Sitting back is an even stranger plan when you consider how ropey their defence looks. And new keeper Miguel Àngel Moyá has been terrible so far this season.


• In the middle of Deportivo v Espanyol, the sprinkler system came on. But those who – like this column – expected that to be the most exciting thing to happen all afternoon were wrong. Espanyol, who hadn't scored yet, won 3-2.


• Mallorca. 4-0 winners. Fourth. Work that one out.


Results: Deportivo 2-3 Espanyol, Mallorca 4-3 Tenerife, Osasuna 0-2 Sevilla, Malaga 1-2 Racing, Barcelona 5-2 Atlético, Athletic 3-2 Villarreal, Almería 1-0 Getafe, Madrid 5-0 Xérez, Valencia 2-2 Sporting.

And: Atlético B 0 – 2 Real Oviedo.

[Beast]

La Liga in midweek action shock!

Tuesday 22 September 2009 14:42
A bleary-eyed blog was more than a little confused this morning by an early eye-full of AS. But of the newspaper kind, this time.

On the front cover of Spain's finest daily were pictures of the country’s sportsmen poodling around Capital City on an open-topped bus.

It was at this point that it realised that it was Spain’s basketball team returning home from the European Championships with the winners trophy.

And it was two milliseconds later that La Liga Loca remembered that the blog ranked basketball only marginally behind handball and ham-tossing in the league table of pointlessness of Spain’s most loved sports.

Marca certainly weren’t going to be diverted from their current Real Madrid raison d’etre by such frivolity and lead with the stunning Pulitzer Prize-winning story that Cristiano Ronaldo is in the running for la Liga’s top scorer 'Pichichi' award.

But even more miraculous than that is the revelation that the Madridista would quite like to win it, as well.

And this is how the two big papers have welcomed an extremely rare midweek round of league matches brought on by the need to finish the campaign a little earlier than normal to squeeze in the World Cup next summer.

Match Day Four (as UEFA would call it) gets going on Tuesday with Sevilla’s feisty home support expecting – nay, demanding – a win against Mallorca, a side currently in fourth but one that La Liga Loca expects to start showing its true rubbish colours any day now.

The second game is Barcelona’s testing tie at Racing Santander, with home manager Juan Carlos Mandía calling for a Cantabrian cauldron to greet the Catalans.

What’s more, the Racing manager is all with the fighting talk ahead of the crucial clash. “The statistics say that Pep’s Dream Boys have lost the occasional game and we must cling to this,” he fee-fi-fo-fummed.

In the opposition camp, Pep Guardiola revealed that he may be a mere mortal after all – despite the repeated claims of the manloved-up La Liga Loca - as not even he has a clue about how the whole football / Spanish television concept works, this season.

When probed by the press on whether he caught Real Madrid’s 5-0 win over Xerez, Pep repeated the phrase popular around most of the country – “I don’t have the platform that showed it.”

Espanyol’s groundsman will be a nervous, green-fingered gardener on Wednesday when Málaga come to town. Like Sergio Ramos, the Cornella pitch has been repeatedly laid over the summer, the last time being after it fell apart during the side’s clash with a trowel-armed Real Madrid.

Xerez have now gone three league games without a goal, a statistic that is starting to grate on everyone in the Andalusian side’s camp. But they see the visit of a leaky-looking Galician outfit as the perfect chance to right that wrong.

“We’ve got to score against Depor,” sighed Momo whilst having his head fondly patted by a paternal Cuco Ziganda who notes that “what the team is missing is the confidence with the final shot.” That, and a decent striker.

Real Madrid travel to Villarreal having managed their annual general meeting without the need for police involvement – for the moment, anyway – and announced that their debt was 327 million Euros, with income for the new financial year expected to be 422 million Euros.

And all thanks to the laugh-a-minute, sensational success of the Fernando Gago golden gaffes DVD.

Athletic Bilbao are probably already travelling to Tenerife for their Wednesday night clash, with the Basque side making savings to pay for their new 175 million Euro stadium by making the journey by fishing boat.

Valladolid host Osasuna in a tie that, quite honestly, no one really cares about, while Atlético Madrid will almost certainly be sacking coach Abel Resino this week should the Rojiblancos fail to beat Almería at the Vicente Calderón.

Going by the well-tested rule of never believing a word that falls from the gob of club president Enrique Cerezo, Resino’s rump is well and truly cooked: “Abel won’t only be the coach for the next game but for the rest of the season.”

Getafe face Valencia at the ludicrous time of 10 o’clock on a Wednesday night. And the home side are still banging their heads on the wall of shame over Sunday’s 1-0 defeat at Almería, with Fabio Celestini noting the differences between his team’s 4-3-3 system and that of Barcelona.

“Barça have possession but they kill you, whilst we lack aggression,” complained the Swiss midfielder.

Valencia have had a mini-storm of their own after the Spanish press leapt up on down on David Villa, accusing him of publicly punking his manager Unai Emery for getting his tactics wrong in Sunday’s 2-2 draw with Sporting.

“Our set-up after the goal wasn’t right,” grumbled Villa, comments that he was forced to retract on a day later. “I was referring to the collective, to everyone, but first of all to me,” blagged the four-goals-this-season forward.

The final game of the round takes place on Thursday night for no good reason and features Sporting taking on Zaragoza, who may be on the brink of their own mini-storm after consecutive defeats to Sevilla and Valladolid.

LLL Predictions
Sevilla v Mallorca - Home win
Racing v Barcelona - Away win
Espanyol v Málaga - Home win
Xerez v Deportivo - Away win
Villarreal v Real Madrid - Draw
Tenerife v Athletic - Home win
Valladolid v Osasuna - Home win
Atlético v Almería - Home win
Getafe v Valencia - Home win
Sporting v Zaragoza - Draw

---------------------------------------------

[Beast]

La Liga’s Good Day, Bad Day - Round 4

Thursday 24 September 2009 12:35
(...with apologies to Sporting and Zaragoza who play on Thursday night)

New! Spanish results (and fixtures, and table)


GOOD DAY

Sevilla
A third win in a row for Sevilla means it’s Manolo Jiménez’s side who are perched at the top of la Primera B (the competitive one) after their 2-0 win over visiting Mallorca.

However, the Sevilla coach has taken with the latest managerial fashion in Spain, started by Pep Guardiola, by claiming his side were a bit pants despite the win.

“After 30 minutes it all looked really good, but then we played terribly,” complained Jiménez.

In any other season aside from this sham of a campaign, then Sevilla could have been real contenders. Instead, they are current front runners in the handicap chase for third.

Barcelona, Real Madrid
Two away games, two wins.

Cristiano Ronaldo
This really isn’t looking good at all for the blog’s already fragile mental ‘wellness’ - and the punishments the blog has invented in its dark, sick mind for the person who invented that word.

Just four rounds into the new season and La Liga Loca simply canna take Cristiano Ronaldo no more. Not the footballer himself - the blog is a bit of fan of the Portuguese ponce - but of the daily adulation towards Madrid’s new mega-god in the local press.

Every frackin’ morning, it’s his stupid face staring out from the covers of Marca and AS with a story that the forward has scored, is scoring or is about to score. And that’s not to mention the billboards, metro ads, magazine photos....

Or indeed the gibberish spouted by the likes of Tomás Roncero, who has responded to “Cristiano Superstar’s” five league goals in four games by calling on France Football to give him the Ballon d’Or because “Messi has made it clear with his recent matches for Argentina that he is fallible.” And things have gone oh so swimmingly for the Real Madrid man with Portugal.

Mark the blog’s words, if Ronaldo doesn’t suffer from a knee-knacking, season-ending injury in the course of the next month then La Liga Loca is going to have to pour acid into its eyes, Let The Right One In-style. Tough times call for tough measures.

Deportivo
All last year, La Liga Loca was groaning and moaning that all Deportivo seemed to do was to get results to ensure they stayed in seventh. And how bad this was for the state of the Spanish game.

Wednesday night’s 0-3 over Xerez has left the Galician side in... seventh. Oh dear.

Espanyol
A first victory for Espanyol in their new stadium, but more importantly their winning goal by Iván Alonso came on the same evening that Dani Jarque’s daughter, Martina, was born.

Here’s Paul from Barcelona to tell us about the match.

“A welcome three points against a limited team. A few things I learned last night.

1) Málaga had away support. In the midweek. About 100-150 of them. Who knew? My cap is doffed.
2) The standard of refereeing hit a new low last night. This bloke was the Messi/Kaká of bad refs. I don't expect eyes in the back of the head but some at the front might be useful. And one linesman didn't know the rules of football.
3) Espanyol are getting stronger week by week, played quite well last night, and the fitness looked good. The new pitch held up well. No bobbles and it didn't cut up.
4) Málaga were poor. No point playing two wide men if there's no-one in the middle to cross to. They commit an awful lot of fouls, too, and the right-back should expect a nomination come Oscars time.

Xerez at home on Sunday and in previous years I'd have said welcome to your first goal/point(s) Xerez. But this new-look team has something about them.”

–– Paul, Barcelona

Jorge Galán
The debut-making Osasuna youngster had only been on the pitch 29 seconds before scoring his side’s winner against Valladolid in the 72nd minute to give the Navarran club their first victory of the season.

But even more curiously, there were two red cards in the game, neither of them for Osasuna.

Tenerife
Beware the 10,000-mile, eight-day trip faced by anyone travelling to or leaving from Tenerife. The Canaries side beat Athletic Bilbao to make it two home wins from two in la Primera this season. Pity Tenerife have failed to manage a point or even a goal on their travels.

Getafe
La Liga Loca was more than a little concerned to see that striker Roberto Soldado had been left on the Coliseum bench against Valencia, feeling “molested” as the Spanish would say.

But good old Manu del Moral popped up with two, along with a free-kick stunner from Pedro León to give the mighty Getafe all three points against Valencia.

BAD DAY

Atlético Madrid
Oh, this just keeps getting better. The Almería match, like APOEL in the Champions League the previous week, should have been the perfect opportunity for the Rojiblancos to pick up a rousing home victory to kick start their campaign, get the season underway, etc.

Instead Atleti missed a penalty, went 1-0 down, equalised, took the lead, blew it in the last minute and very nearly lost the match in injury time.

“It could have been a lot worse,” noted Marca of the single point picked up against Almería, doubling the side’s tally for the season.

From watching the Calderón club’s matches in this sorriest of starts to the season, it appears as if every member of the back four is as high as a kite and consistently the second to react to any danger heading towards their box.

Combined with an out-of-sorts Diego Forlán, a waste-of-space Maxi and an injured Kun Agüero, this means that the team is in terrible shape and facing a torturous Saturday night at the Mestalla.

Racing Santander
It was a no-win situation for Racing Santander manager Juan Carlos Mandía. A full-on assault on Barcelona on Tuesday night would have lead to an inevitable crushing defeat and critics from a picky press.

So the coach went for a more conservative and defensive option against Pep’s Dream Boys - which lead to an inevitable, crushing defeat and critics from a picky press.

“When you play Barcelona they make you feel smaller than you are in reality,” sighed Mandía, ducking his head to avoid the local press accusations of being a big old yellow-belly.

Valencia
When Valencia get going, as they did for 20 minutes on Wednesday night against Getafe, they are a ferocious force of nature and as good as anyone else in la Liga. Their brilliant, fancy-pants effort against the Coliseum club is proof-positive.

The trouble is that 20 minutes is all you get these days from the lazy-arsed Mestalla men. In the space of a week, Valencia have taken leads in their three games against Lille, Sporting and Getafe, gone “meeehhh” and blown them all.

“Where is the pride and sport of these millionaires?” complained AS columnist Pedro Morata after watching Valencia take the lead, lose it seconds later, give up and go down 3-1.

Villarreal
A painful sight indeed, to see Villarreal third from bottom with just two points...

Xerez
...but a wholly expected one to see Xerez two places below them, still without a point and still without a win in la Liga after a 3-0 home thrashing by Deportivo.

---------------------------------------------

[VivaBarca]

Xerez would struggle in the SPL. That is not an exaggeration.

[Beast]

Talking about Xerez here is Sid Lowe article

Right now Xerez are the worst side in Europe. At least Pompey have scored | Sid Lowe

Typical. You wait 62 years for a season in the first division and then it's all over before it's even started

The corner came swinging in from the right, over the man at the near post and dropped sharply into the six-yard box. Leandro Andrés Gioda spotted it, pulled away from his opponent and threw himself at it head first. Connecting with a diving header so low he ended up with a gob full of grass and a worm in each nostril, he sent the ball past the stranded keeper and into the net. In the corner of the Chapín stadium, way across the running track, fans in blue and white leapt up and down and hugged each other. It was a great goal. It was also the first goal Xerez Club Deportivo had scored this season.

In fact, it was the first goal they had ever scored in the Spanish first division.
At least it would have been, but for one thing. Actually, make that two things. The goalkeeper Gioda beat was Renan Brito. His goalkeeper. And it wasn't even the first own-goal they had scored this season. In week two, Xerez were beaten 1-0 by Athletic Bilbao thanks to a suicidal lunge by the centre-back David Prieto, who diverted the ball into his own net. Last night, week four in La Liga, any chance they had of beating Deportivo de La Coruña evaporated with another own-goal from another centre-back. Mario Bermejo had just hit the bar in a match Marca dismissed as a "monstrosity" when Gioda struck. An inch away from 1-1, suddenly they were two down and a world away from a win. All that was left was for Rikki to make it three.


Typical. You wait 62 years for a first division goal, two come along at once and they're not even the two you were waiting for.
You wait 62 years for a season in the first division and it's over before it's even started. Two home matches, two own-goals and two defeats; four first division matches, four defeats, 11 conceded, and no goals at all at the right end.

Xerez are bottom of the table, the farolillo rojo as the Spanish phrase has it – the red light. Not just bottom of the table; bottom of the continent. Right now, Xerez are the worst side in Europe. At least Portsmouth have scored. So have Grenoble. It's not just that Xerez look like candidates for relegation, it's that they look a half-decent bet to break the record for the worst points total ever, beating the 13 Sporting Gijón got in 1997-98.* They are, in short, doomed.

Now that might sound a bit premature, what with the season being only four games old and that. It might sound a little foolish after Xerez performed admirably against Real Madrid. It might sound dismissive of a side that are actually not too bad with the ball and have had nothing but bad luck so far. And it might sound harsh on fantastic fans, 7,000 of who put the Santiago Bernabéu to shame. But Ted Lowe could do that on his own most Sundays; for all their neat football Xerez were ultimately hammered 5-0 by Madrid; and bad luck alone doesn't explain their position. In fact, Xerez's lowly location is about the most logical in the league, the most sadly predictable position of all – apart from Madrid and Barcelona walking away with it.

Because while the club's website moaned that "the witches have put a spell on us" and AS described them as "luckless", the truth is that, as one report put it, Xerez are "crippled – in both legs". Because while it took an own-goal to help kill them off, just as it had done against Athletic, it was all too easy for the visitors to pick off the points. "Deportivo go fishing at Xerez's expense," ran one headline; "Deportivo abused the red light," declared another.

Speaking of red lights, this is the club whose president resigned after being involved in a drive-by shooting at a brothel; the club whose owner Joaquín Morales declared it "the kind of thing that could happen to anyone." And that is kind of the point, a glimpse of the club's underbelly.

Of course Xerez could yet sort it out. After all, Osasuna started last season as the worst side in Europe, their dismal run lasting far more than four games, only to recover and ultimately survive on the final day, and Málaga showed that a cash-strapped, recently-promoted club can cut it in the top flight. But it just doesn't look likely. Osasuna and Málaga had the right ingredients to survive – pork mostly – while Xerez have all the ingredients to go down: a shambolic club, no money, few genuine first division players, an owner who wants to sell, and a coach who wanted to be somewhere else and doesn't have much of a record anyway. The surprise is not that they are bottom of the first division; the surprise is that they are in the first division at all.

At the start of last season Xerez – who had finished 14th in the previous campaign – had one target: survival. Instead, the coach Esteban Vigo performed a miracle, winning the second division title. Rather than take them into the top flight, he fell out with Morales and left for second division Herculés. In the meantime, Cuco Ziganda dithered over whether to take over, finally saying yes after discussions with Racing broke down, and 13 players departed – seven of them loanees returning to their clubs. Then Betis, who just happened to be the team that would benefit from any ban, tried to get Xerez's promotion blocked because of what they alleged to have been "serious" financial irregularities surrounding a share issue at Xerez in 2002. By the time pre-season training started Ziganda had just 12 players to work with.

The squad is now up to 24, goalkeepers included. But Xerez haven't spent a single euro on footballers. Víctor Sánchez joined on loan from Barcelona, David Prieto from Sevilla and Renan from Valencia. All are decent players and Xerez have at least resisted the temptation to become Neanderthal defensive cloggers, the president Carlos Osma not unjustly insisting that last night's first half was "reasonably good". Trouble is, "reasonably good" is not enough and Xerez remain as toothless as a granny with gingivitis. Their star player Momo had only ever scored four career goals before last season, when he got 17, and boasts a solitary primera goal in three seasons; Antoñito is an outrageously talented five-a-side player who once looked like he would be good but never quite was, the striker Mario Bermejo failed to score in his one first division season, and the playmaker Emilio Viqueira is 35 now – and looks it too. As if that wasn't enough, the pressure is already starting to tell. "My players are scared," Ziganda admitted.

They're right to be. It may only be week four, there may still be a long way to go and of course it's a marathon not a sprint. But Xerez are running in a gorilla costume. For the 59th team to make it to primera, a club with no first division history and the smallest budget of the lot, just lasting the course is a success. Anything else would be a miracle.

Talking points

• There is some good news for Xerez fans, though. According to a survey that measures the "sexual pulsations index" (yes, really) of the Spanish, they are the second friskiest football fans in the country, after Almería. Barcelona's fans are sixth, while Madrid are 12th. The fans getting the least are Osasuna's. Or maybe they're just the only ones not lying.

• Cristiano Ronaldo is slipping. He scored again. But rather than the 47 seconds it took him against Xerez, this time the game was 1 minute and 47 seconds old when he raced away from just inside Villarreal's half, down the left, cut inside and scored a beauty. A goal in every game so far makes him the best debutant in Madrid's history. Just as Ibrahimovic is the best in Barcelona's with four in four. Madrid and Barcelona have now picked up a maximum 12 points and are the only unbeaten sides. Everyone's getting very excited about the race for the Pichichi [top scorer award] between Messi and Ronaldo, who are on five each, even if the Portuguese came out after the game and said he wasn't going after the "Pichichi - or the Pachocho". Oddly, no one picked up on Ronaldo declaring he wasn't going "pa' chocho" but maybe this column's the only one whose mind is that warped.

• Not that Zlatan or Ronaldo are as good as Galan. He made his debut for Osasuna against Valladolid last night – and scored after 29 seconds.

• And as they bang on about Ronaldo and Messi, everyone seems to have forgotten – just for a change, like – that someone else is on five too. But, then, David Villa doesn't play for Madrid or Barcelona. He did score the week's best goal, finishing a wonderful move for Valencia against Getafe but his side went on to lose 3-1 thanks to a dire defence and a brilliant free-kick from Pedro León. In fact, it was a week of great goals: other belters included Messi's two, Ronaldo's one, Pedro León for Getafe against Valencia, Juco's free-kick against Xerez, and Ivan Alonso's against Malaga – dedicated to the daughter of Espanyol's late captain Daniel Jarque, Martina, who was born during the game yesterday.

• Atlético Madrid: oh dear. Athletic Bilbao: didn't you just know it?

• There was bad news for Joan Laporta as he sat in the presidential box during Barcelona's game with Racing Santander. He got into a little, ahem, "debate" with his opposite number Francisco Pernía and the president of the Cantabrian government Miguel-Ángel Revilla, who criticised him for his pro-Catalan independence stance. He responded by saying that Spain was "crushing" Catalunya. So they hit him where it hurts: by telling him he was no longer welcome to join the extremely exclusive, 30-member, Ambassadors of the Havana [Cigar] club.

Results: Sevilla 2-0 Mallorca, Racing 1–4 Barcelona, Espanyol 2–1 Málaga, Villarreal 0–2 Real Madrid, Xerez 0–3 Deportivo, Tenerife 1–0 Athletic, Valladolid 1–2 Osasuna, Atlético 2–2 Almería, Getafe 3–1 Valencia. Tonight: Sporting versus Zaragoza.

[Beast]

Can Sevilla Gatecrash The Party?
Posted 28/09/09 10:33


Sevilla's current record of four league wins from five would have been enough to see them sharing the lead at top of the Primera at this point last season.

Instead, the Madrid-chasing Andalusian outfit currently resemble Indiana Jones clinging onto the rear axle of a speeding Nazi-filled jeep using just his whip. Not that any comparison between a group of power-crazed right-wingers seeking world domination and Hitler's henchmen is intended, of course.

A league described, last week, by Zaragoza president Eduardo Bandrés in somewhat disparaging terms as "the most boring in Europe" but more diplomatically by AS editor, Alfredo Relaño, as 'bipolar' sees Madrid and Barcelona sitting smugly at the top of the table with 100% records and delivering Adebayor-style stamps onto the faces of their footballing foes.

"The difference between them and the rest of us is an abyss," was the admission from Getafe manager Michel even before his team's 2-0 defeat to Barcelona back in round two. The former Madrid player's apparent pessimism was not in the least bit misguided.

Such is the superiority of the frontrunners this season that games which were banana skins in the previous campaign - clashes such as Barça's midweek away trip to Racing and Madrid's visit to Villarreal's El Madrigal - have been handled without a sniff of a slip-up this time around.

It was the same story a few days later with Real Madrid playing what Marca described as 'their worst half this season' against Tenerife in the Bernabeu but still doing enough to grab a 3-0 victory.

Meanwhile, Barcelona came away from a bruising encounter - mainly thanks to psycho centre-back Weligton - at Málaga as 2-0 winners with a half-fit Zlatan Ibrahimovic's fifth goal in five league games opening the scoring.

Considering complete perfection is now needed simply to keep up with the Primera pace, it's no real wonder that it's only Sevilla desperately trying to avoid the cat-food making crusher and make the title tussle a three-horse race. But this requirement for constant high performance doesn't mean to say that the other supposedly top teams in la Liga can be forgiven for their feeble footballing efforts.

Villarreal's only achievement this season is to have been the Primera's biggest pussies.

Despite the departure of former manager Manuel Pellegrini to Madrid, the experienced Ernesto Valverde - arriving from league and cup success at Olympiakos - should have been more than capable of whipping his players into a fast gallop from the off.

Instead, Villarreal are currently engaged in what can best be described as a process of dicking around at the foot of the table with just two points to their name.

They are just one place above the second-from-bottom Yellow Submarine, another team who really should be taking a good hard look at themselves in the mirror - before bursting into tears and going back to bed.

Atlético Madrid had a truly disastrous start to their league campaign that saw them reach the bottom of the barrel by round two and scratching through the wood with bloodied nails by the fourth.

However, the vaguely good news for Atleti is that the rojiblancos managed to treble their points tally in a week, with a late, late equaliser in Mestalla against a Valencia team who are also engaged in making a total balls-up of their season's start.

It had all looked good for Valencia, a side that have accounting experts all over the world wondering how they are still in business and still have David Silva and David Villa in the squad.

An opening-day tonking of Sevilla was followed by a 4-2 thrashing of Valladolid. But that was before the team threw away leads - and eight points - in their next three league encounters against Sporting, Getafe and Atlético Madrid.

This has left Sevilla as the only one of the sorry group of supposed heavyweights willing to try to turn the current cosy coupling at the top of the table into a ménage à trois.

Despite that opening-day defeat in Mestalla, Sevilla have gone on to produce comfortable victories in their following matches against Zaragoza, Osasuna, Mallorca and most recently of all, a 4-0 away win against Athletic Bilbao.

Sevilla are a side with a tough-tackling, experienced defence, a hardworking central midfield and pure class up front. Right-sided midfielder Jesus Navas is the frailest wee man in the game but a ruthless finisher and a brilliant crosser of the ball. It is only a crippling nervous disorder that prevents him being away from home for more than a few days at a time that has blocked an international career with Spain.

But it is Sevilla's front three that are the club's crown jewels with the side boasting the eternally-classy Freddie Kanouté, Brazilian striker Luis Fabiano - set to be World Cup top scorer in South Africa - and Hull City target Alvaro Negredo, who has made the step up from Almería to Sevilla with some aplomb.

However, manager Manolo Jiménez remains just one bad result away from calls for his sacking from permanently-disgruntled fans and journalists who recall none-to-distant memories of UEFA cup wins and times when Sevilla's style was considerably more swashbuckling and sexy.

But unfortunately for Jiménez, he no longer has the likes of Dani Alves and Seydou Keita around to reproduce those rampaging ways. But what he does have is a strong, sturdy squad that he feels are capable of doing more than just finishing third this season.

"We are going to try to be a real alternative in la Liga, not just the winner of the second league, like people said we were last year," claimed the Sevilla boss after Saturday's victory.

The coach has an early chance to deliver on this promise with the visit of Real Madrid to the Sanchez Pizjuán next weekend. A win would see Sevilla pull alongside their loftier and more loaded opponents in the league table and maybe, just maybe, ensure that Madrid and Barcelona don't have everything their own way this season.


Round 5 results

Deportivo 1-0 Villarreal
Zaragoza 3-0 Getafe
Espanyol 0-0 Xerez
Mallorca 3-0 Valladolid
Osasuna 1-0 Sporting
Almería 2-2 Racing
Valencia 2-2 Atlético
Málaga 0-2 Barcelona
Real Madrid 3-0 Tenerife
Athletic 0-4 Sevilla


Tim Stannard

[Gnegneri]

Zaragoza president Eduardo Bandrés in somewhat disparaging terms as "the most boring in Europe"

Should have stayed in Adelante then, twat.

[Beast]

The view from the press box
By Phil Ball
September 28, 2009

At some point early in the second half, Cristiano Ronaldo sets off from just over the half-way line and shoots a quick glance left and right to see if there is anyone worth sending a pass to.

Deciding, as he often does, that a solo gallop into enemy territory might be the better option, he accelerates alarmingly into a pack of blue-shirted Tenerife defenders, who are vaguely assembled around the centre of their own half of the pitch. The pack, logically expecting the Portuguese chap to drop either side of them to where the spaces lie, begins to disperse slightly, but Ronaldo simply continues to gallop at them with that oddly high-kneed action that he has, like a dressage horse that has tired of strutting and has just bolted for the hell of it. Spotting a diagonal breach that has opened up in the direction of the goal, Ronaldo simply whizzes through it, converting the five defenders into telegraph poles. As he hurtles into the area and hits the ball goalwards for the strike of the season, goalie Sergio Aragoneses decides to spoil the party by somehow diverting the ball over the bar.

About fifteen feet below me in the press area, the crowd rises as one and hollers its appreciation. Standing boxed in by the huddle is an old man, well into his seventies. The look on his face is worth the entrance money, even though I haven't paid it. What Ronaldo has just done - love him or loathe him, is awaken in this old Madrileño something of what he must have seen years ago and which he probably thought he wouldn't see again.

The simple street-wise ebullience of Ronaldo's play might not always convince the purists, but it gets people out of their seats. One assumes that this was the case when Di Stéfano was around, or Gento, or Puskas. Ronaldo's run was a golden moment, particularly after the tedium of a first half which must have been the worst in the Bernabéu this millennium. As César Menotti once said, 'It was great in those days to wake up in the morning and think, "Ah - Maradona's playing in the afternoon".

I'm beginning to think - and I'm the only one - that the two-horse race hardly matters if every week we can see Ronaldo doing this and then Messi doing the other over at Barcelona. And then there's Kaká, for heaven's sake. Madrid's torpor in the first half was partly due to his absence, but more due to the fact that Tenerife had come with an intelligent game plan, which consisted of stopping Xabi Alonso from getting the ball. Granero and Lass are not in the same distributive class, and Madrid's midfield foundered. Kaká was on the bench, much to the ire of the press pack, who frothed and foamed about Pelligrini's rotational policy in the half-time bar, and how Florentino Pérez would eventually sack him because he wouldn't tolerate the best players not being constantly on show.

Kaká and Guti obliged by appearing for the second half, and the sudden simplicity of the game of football re-asserted itself. Guti may be inconsistency incarnate, but the instinctive elegance of his movements and the weird, architectural precision of his passing have to be appreciated live. He ain't the same on the telly somehow. Tenerife suddenly looked ordinary after looking the better side in the first half, and within two minutes Madrid were ahead, Benzema scoring his first home goal with a header from Alonso's precision cross.

Kaká is also great to watch. Hanging around behind the main focus of the attack, he drifts across the line and is difficult to mark. It's not that he's particularly fast, but he is fast with the ball at his feet - a performance car built for its 0-60 as opposed to its top speed. His change of pace is impossible to annul, particularly if there is space behind the player he is gliding beyond. He also goes for the empty spaces, avoiding contact wherever possible with the pack. His vertical style of play immediately unsettled Tenerife, and all the journalists around me began to tap 'I told you so' into their lap-top reports. He scored a great goal too, whipping in a shot from the inside of his foot with hardly a pull-back of the leg. Aragoneses had no chance with that one.

I was down in Madrid to do some publicity for my book, "White Storm", which has been translated into Spanish (Tormenta Blanca). So there's a bit more cheeky publicity, but anyway, you'll have to understand Spanish to read the new bits added to take in the present circus that's been going on since Pérez returned. I'm no fan of Real Madrid, despite the frequent accusations to the contrary, but what is always great about going to a game at the Bernabéu is that the whole city seems to be focused on the event - as if there were no difference between the city and its most famous team. Atlético fans may wince at that statement, but it fails to detract from its truth. The same is true of places like Bilbao, Newcastle, Seville - you could add to the list - but when you're outside the game with the folks scurrying around, the horses barging, the camera crews trailing their cables, you feel that you're at the centre of things, and how on earth could some other strange people be possibly living their lives without football. Daft but true.

One of the sports tabloids that interviewed me asked if I was a Real Madrid fan. I repeated to him the journalist Santiago Segurola's famous phrase when once asked the same question. Segurola is Real Madrid's main writer and observer, and yet he is originally from Bilbao and of course supports them. Asked if he supported them both, after his long association with Madrid, he replied 'No - it's biologically impossible'. Good phrase. I support Real Sociedad, and the same is true. They are still mildly appalled in San Sebastián that I've written a book about Real Madrid, but as I tried to explain, it doesn't kiss ass. Indeed, as this becomes apparent over the next few weeks, I may be chased out of the country, in which case ESPN will have to find itself a new writer again.

Sorry about the personal nature of the piece this weekend, but I guess that if you go along to top-flight matches every weekend and mingle in all chummy with the press pack, the whole rigmarole might start to lose some of its shine. I dunno. The fact of only doing it from time to time makes it more memorable, for me anyway. For example, after the game I wandered down to the "mixed" area, where you can wait for the players to come out and thrust a mike under their noses as they run the gauntlet behind a sort of low improvised barrier. I've never quite got over my awe of professional footballers, despite the dullards that so many of them prove to be if you're unlucky enough to have to interview them, but it's always the same when you suddenly see them in civvies, at very close quarters. They look ridiculously young and fragile somehow, as if they had no lives beyond your temporary perspective of them. Iker Casillas was first to walk out, and he looked oddly small and boyish, as if he was just off home to his mum. If he was, I hope she told him to shave off that ridiculous beard.

Next out were a couple of Tenerife players, but sadly nobody detained them. I felt kind of sorry for them, but they were probably relieved to just be able to go straight to the bus. Then Karim Benzema came out, hero of the moment with his first two goals in the "Bernabow" (why do the Brits continue to pronounce it thus? It's one of the great mysteries of our time).

A gaggle of Spanish journos, similarly blessed with linguistic prowess, fired off some tough questions at the poor lad in Spanish, at which point I decided to intervene. "Are you happy now?" I asked him in French. Spot the dumb question. He looked quizzically around for his interrogator, and failing to find him replied "Si si. Tres contento", which is the first time that such a meeting of French and Spanish has ever occurred in the history of football. The moment has been captured in a poorly focused shot, supplied for this weekend's piece by my very own cheapo camera.

There were other reasons for my trip down to Madrid. The game featured the two Alonso brothers, the famous Xabi and the not-so-famous Mikel, the latter also once of Real Sociedad, thence missing in action at Bolton Wanderers and now happily shoring up the defensive side of Tenerife's midfield duties. Curiously enough, this was the first time that the two had faced each other on opposing sides as professional footballers. Their father, Periko Alonso, who played for Real Sociedad's title-winning side of the 1980s and later for Barcelona, had flown down for the match the day before me.

The Basque press were strangely silent on the event, as if they were still reeling from the fact that Xabi has signed for Real Madrid. There was no problem with his playing for Liverpool - in fact it was largely celebrated. But the fact that he had actually signed for the enemy took some time to sink in up here. In some ways it still hasn't sunk in, and Alonso looks wrong in the all-white strip. Ronaldo does too. It doesn't suit them like it immediately suited Zidane and like it seems to suit Kaká. There's no sinister sub-text intended here. They just don't look right in the colours yet, but they're playing just fine.

Both players were brought up playing for a boys' team called Antiguoko, who may well feature later this year on the column. They've just earned 600,000 euros as part of the sell-on clause that they cleverly wrote out when they allowed Xabi to sign for Real Sociedad, at the age of sixteen. Every time Alonso gets transferred, Sociedad get a percentage cut, of which Antiguoko get 40 percent (of the 5 percent). That's a lot of money for an amateur team outside of the professional circuit, but it enables them to employ well-qualified coaches and scouts. On the day that the Alonso brothers (Everton's Mikel Arteta is also a graduate of the club) walked out to oppose each other inside the Bernabéu's giddy walls, my own son was making his debut for Antiguoko for the Under 15s, in a 1-0 win against Hondarribia. So it's been a kind of poetic weekend. Excuse the indulgence. But I'll get back to this team. Some of the goings-on there provide an interesting insight into how professional clubs find their players.

Back at the hotel I watched the other team with 'Madrid' in its name, Atlético, draw 2-2 in the Mestalla. It was a fantastically messy game, end-to-end stuff, with a heart-stopping finish when Maxi deservedly equalised in extra-time for the mattress-makers. Atlético are still second to bottom, but they are playing some great football.

The problem for both Valencia and Atlético is that neither of them know how to defend. They both have midfields and forward lines of speedboat quality, but with defensive ships that leak water all over the place. The press was suggesting before the game that the losing manager would be collecting his cards at the end of the match, but any such events have been postponed for at least a week. Abel Resino, Atlético's manager, deserves to be given time to get things together, and Valencia would be unwise to sack Unai Emery, still considered to be one of Spain's great promises. But it was anarchic stuff - entertaining yet probably a nightmare for the watching presidents and investors.

Sevilla stuffed Athletic Bilbao 0-4 in San Mamés, and look to be the new candidates for the third horseman of this season's particular apocalypse, but let's wait a few more weeks yet. This coming week features the Champions League again, so next weekend's games may well be conditioned by what happens. Whatever takes place, keep an eye on Sevilla v Real Madrid next weekend. Should be a cracker.

[Beast]

La Liga’s Good Day, Bad Day - Round 5

Monday 28 September 2009 12:00
GOOD DAY

Xerez

As you read this, just imagine a march mixing the missile-displaying pomp of a Soviet-style May Day parade with a full-on nudey lady Brazilian carnival.

That’s the kind of greeting that surely awaits the Xerez players this week after they picked up their first point in a draw in Cornella against Espanyol. Still no goal, mind.

At the head of the parade and being fed grapes and booze by all the local lovelies will be former Valencia goalkeeper Renan, who had an inspired afternoon keeping all of Espanyol’s efforts well and truly out.

Sevilla

Wow. Sevilla have definitely grown a big old pair over the summer, with three wins in eight days against Osasuna, Mallorca and Athletic Bilbao to keep them at the top of the Primera B table.

But it is Saturday’s goalkeeper-assisted 4-0 victory up in the Basque country that’s the most impressive of this terrific trio of wins.

However, a section of Sevilla fans will still be grumbling about Manolo Jiménez being on the bench no matter what he does.

But surely he has achieved more than enough by now for both people and press to leave him alone for the rest of the season?

Especially, if he does the nicest of numbers on Real Madrid in the Sanchez Pizjuán next Sunday.

Mallorca

If La Liga Loca gave out Manager of the Month awards, then it would hand September’s gong to Gregorio Manzano.

Although the blog still calls upon the fine folk at FourFourTwo HQ to send two thousand quid to Madrid so it can be forwarded immediately to Mallorca’s manager.

Manzano’s men have been brutally effective in picking up maximum points in all their ‘winnable’ games - home ties against Xerez, Tenerife and most recently of all Valladolid - as well as picking up a point away at Villarreal to leave them in fourth with 10.

But the real disappointment is that the home fans are totally indifferent to the cause of the cash strapped club with just 10,000 turning up to see the club’s opener against Xerez and Monday’s papers not even bothering to report the previous day’s paltry turnout.

Juca

Another cap must be doffed to Miguel Angel Lotina who keeps Deportivo grinding through the start of the season by dumping a whole heap of misery on Villarreal on Sunday night with a 1-0 victory.

The win came from a second free-kick strike in a week for Brazilian nut-bag lookalike Juca, who has the gait of a psycho Serbian than a Samba man.

Maxi

A player that La Liga Loca has felt has been well off the pace in the Primera for some time now came off the bench to grab an equaliser for Atlético in Mestalla on Saturday night.

In a cracking game where defences were equally poor and just about every offside decision was wrong, the Argentinean grabbed his first league goal since last December to save manager Abel Resino’s skin.

For the time being, at least.

David Villa

Although it is an enormously inconvenient fact for the Madrid and Barcelona papers, it is David Villa who is currently top of the Pichichi table in la Liga with six strikes. And not Zlatan nor Ronaldo.

Real Madrid, Barcelona

Two games. Two wins. But you can read more about one of them by following this Twitter feed.
http://twitter.com/laligaloca

Gerard Piqué

The Barcelona defender possesses what La Liga Loca feels is the most important component of any professional football - the willingness to confess their hatred of all rivals. As well as good hair.

Piqué’s profile ticks both boxes with his past taunting of both Madrid and Espanyol and fine Tarantino-style quiff for much of last season.

And he’s a decent defender too, with an eye for goal. His second league strike of the season was a free-kick toe poke against Málaga.

BAD DAY

Villarreal

Now this is getting beyond a joke.

A defeat to Deportivo means that Villarreal are only one point better than Xerez. And one point worse than Atlético Madrid.

La Liga Loca is not sure which is more embarrassing for the Yellow Submarine.

But despite this being Villarreal’s worst ever top-flight start, the blog feels confident that Ernesto Valverde will sort his side out, sooner rather than later.

Unai Emery

Despite just one defeat this season, and being in the process of bedding in a brand new defence, Unai Emery is already under pressure from a Mestalla crowd not well known for its patience. Or, indeed, sanity.

Once Maxi’s late equaliser for Atlético slipped past Carlos Moya, the look of “oh bugger” on Emery’s face was a clear as a biscuit as he contemplated the wobbly week facing him before next Sunday’s trip to face Racing Santander.

Zlatan Ibrahimovic

After boisterous Málaga defender Weligton tried some of the rough stuff on Zlatan Ibrahimovic on Saturday night, there was a moment when the barking mad Barça forward stared at the Brazilian, smiling serenely.

“Kick his head off, six match ban. Kick his head off, six match ban” went the Swede’s thought process.

Sadly, the Barça striker took the pacifist path.

Nivaldo

The Valladolid central defender spent the match against Mallorca doing exactly what La Liga Loca would do if it were told to form part of the Pucela back four - wander about, look lost, stare into the stands and form part of the club’s notoriously awful offside trap.

Atlético Madrid

Two more goals conceded against Valencia makes Atleti in possession of the worst defence in la Liga with 13 strikes against them. Good going.

Getafe

Michel out! Michel out! Michel out!

Espanyol
Now La Liga Loca doesn’t like to make merry at other people’s expense, but let’s look back at this gem from Thursday from Paul from Barcelona after Espanyol’s 2-1 win over Málaga.

“Xerez at home on Sunday and in previous years I'd have said welcome to your first goal/point(s) Xerez. But this new-look team has something about them.”

Here’s this week’s comedy outpourings from Paul the Perico.

“Xerez - 200 away fans. Well done them. I spent 90 minutes watching this. You, Dear Readers, shouldn't waste even 90 seconds reading about it.

"Both teams rubbish from start to finish. Xerez will get some serious hidings this year as will Espanyol after that.”

Paul, Barcelona

---------------------------------------------

[Metaphysical]

I love the reasoning behind ibra having a bad day.

[Beast]

Why Barcelona are keeping tabs on top spot – and their directors
Sid Lowe


While Pep Guardiola's side lord it in La Liga, president Joan Laporta is leading the way when it comes to 'security audits'

There was a suspicious look in his eyes as they narrowed and darted from side to side. Outside, flashing lights pierced the darkness. Silence. It was 1am, Saturday night-Sunday morning. Lowering his brow, bringing everything into focus, he peered out from behind a post, surveying the scene, taking in his surroundings. Was he being followed? Could they see him? Could the cameras? The moment of truth had arrived. The theme from the Pink Panther rose, cello and double base building. Checking to see if anyone was watching, he synchronised his watch, whispered something into his wrist, and prepared his weapon, pressing his back against the wall. Breathing heavily, heart racing, he gestured to his partner. Go!

Now Joan Laporta was exposed; now, the president of Football Club Barcelona stood in full view of everyone, humming loudly. The theme from the Pink Panther reached its climax, the final note tumbling dramatically from Laporta's lips as his fingers began firing and he collapsed into giggles. After the few days he'd had it was time for a little relief. But no matter how topical the comedy, not everyone got the joke. While he and a couple of directors played the secret agent, on the other side of the bus trundling its way across the runway at El Prat footballers wearing headphones so big they looked like Princess Leia stared blankly, a little bemused. As for Pep Guardiola, he shifted uncomfortably in his seat. Some said he even changed seats, keen to distance himself – and his team – from the charade being played out in front of him.

It wouldn't be the first time. In fact, it would be the second time in three days. And while it ended up being a laugh for Laporta, had it not been for the football it might not have been so funny after all. In three days, Barcelona were almost torn apart by what has inevitably been dubbed Barçagate; in 90 minutes, Guardiola and his team put them together again by beating Málaga 2-0 in a match that the coach said had left him "too happy". "Guardiola," ran the headline in Marca, "cleans up Laporta's dirt", while the cartoon in Sport showed the coach sweeping the Barcelona badge clear of the debris left by his president.

Hardly surprising. When Laporta became president in 2003, he complained that he had found bugs hidden in the boardroom; someone was spying on his directors. Six years later, it turns out that he was quite right; someone is spying on his directors:

He is.

On Thursday, the Catalan newspaper El Periódico revealed that Barcelona's director general Joan Oliver had organised €56,000 (£52,000) worth of surveillance on vice-presidents Jaume Ferrer, Joan Boix, Rafael Yuste and Joan Franquesa. The reason, Oliver insisted the following day, was simple: Franquesa had confessed to him that he felt like he was being watched, so Oliver decided to help him out by having him put under surveillance. Oh, and by throwing three other vice-presidents into the mix for good measure. There was no espionage; it was in fact a "security audit" carried out for their "protection" – one that Laporta didn't even know about until after it had been completed, some five months ago. It was for all their "own good".
Of course it was. And it was nothing to do with the fact that next summer Laporta's presidential term will come to an end, that all four men, backed by other board members, are in line to replace him on a continuity ticket; with Laporta wanting to be able to control whoever takes over after his departure; with the fact that the other man who looks well placed to take over is Laporta's current favourite – the ridiculous-jacket-wearing director Xavier Sala-i-Martin; or with the fact that Sala-i-Martin just happens to be one of Oliver's business partners.

Which is why Oliver turned to private detectives rather than saying anything to the club's director of security Xavier Martorell, a former police chief, or going to the cops himself; why he decided not to tell Ferrer, Boix, or Yuste; why the one vice-president not spied upon just happened to be the one who ruled himself out of the presidential race, and why reports suggest that when one of the three directors found out in April, he grabbed Oliver by the scruff of the neck and threatened to hit him.
After all, Laporta's not power hungry or paranoid and he's never been involved in anything contentious before or even slightly fishy before. He's never lied about his brother-in-law's involvement in the Fundación Francisco Franco; been accused of "dictatorial behaviour" by the lifelong friend with whom he came to power; or presided over a board which now boasts just four of its original members. Or survived a censorship motion that would have forced him to resign by just 5.6%, witnessing 60.6% of the electorate vote against him.

But then, that's the thing. For all the question marks about the way Laporta has run the club, for all that his nationalist stance has irritated people – more, in truth, outside Barcelona than within it – and for all that Laporta has done things wrong, there is one thing that has gone very right. The most important thing. The thing that really matters to fans. The football. And while some have accused Laporta of being a lucky man – which he certainly is – he's also paved the way for his own survival. The censorship motion was brought at the end of a season in which they had finished empty-handed. A year later, a year after Laporta opted for Pep Guardiola as coach rather than José Mourinho – the man the fans and the media demanded – they are the best side in the world, treble winners. Just as they won the league and Champions League double under Rijkaard – the coach Laporta backed when many called for his head.

A born survivor, a true political shark, Laporta knows that the football does the talking. Even when he does. On Saturday afternoon, after two days of silence, he finally spoke out from the shadows of Gate 19 at Málaga's stadium. "There are some people who are revving for the elections already and as they have no real policies they're trying to dirty our name; I can see certain [vested] interests behind this," he insisted before going on to argue – and this man's a lawyer, for goodness sake – that it doesn't matter because it "all happened five months ago". "Some people," he claimed, "have got it in for us." It didn't convince anyone but nor did it matter: in the end football conquers everything. Well, Barcelona's football does, anyway.
Even espionage and assassination. With Guardiola talking of the need to "isolate" his team from the scandal, goals from Zlatan Ibrahimovic and Gerard Piqué saw them continue their perfect start to the season – five wins from five – and rescue their Pink Panther-playing president. According to AS, it was evidence of another dastardly plot involving Barcelona and their conspiratorial lackeys at the Federation, the headline declaring that victory came courtesy of "Zlatan and referee Delgado Ferreiro".

Trouble is, like Oliver's explanation, it didn't stand up to scrutiny: the Delgado Ferreiro in question was the same Delgado Ferreiro who ignored the Málaga centre-back Weligton trying to break Leo Messi's ankle and Piqué's jaw, overlooked two possible Barça penalties, and who, despite AS's complaints, was actually right when deemed Barça's first on side and their second legal despite the hint of a foul from Yaya Touré; the same referee who when he wrote his official report confused Leo Messi with Dmytro Chygrynskiy. Because the 6ft 3in, long-haired, bearded Uruguayan is a dead ringer for the unknown 5ft 7in Argentinian. Delgado Ferreiro's no flunkey, just a rubbish referee with very, very bad eyesight. As for the conspiracy, there was no conspiracy. Not on the pitch anyway.

Results and talking points
• Hay que ser gillipollas, as they say. You must be bloody stupid. A week ago, the Valencia coach Unai Emery was accused of being too conservative and looking to protect a 2-1 lead at Mestalla over Sporting Gijón rather than finishing the game off. By his own star player, David Villa. In the last minute, Valencia conceded an equaliser to draw 2-2. So what does he do a week later, with rumours of him being sacked flying around? The same thing. 2-1 up against Atlético, with Villa and Pablo having both scored great goals, he took off Ever Banega, who was controlling the midfield and sent on the brilliantly named but not brilliantly talented Hedwiges Maduro. Hey presto, Atlético get a 93rd-minute equaliser. A stay of execution for Abel Resino; another step towards the sack for Emery?

• Speaking of David Villa, what was that about Messi and Ronaldo and the Pichichi?

• Tenerife had more shots, more possession and more corners than Real Madrid at the Bernabéu. Madrid won 3-0. Awful in the first half; Kaká, in Manuel Pellegrini's words, "changed the face of the side" in the second. Cristiano Ronaldo, who nearly scored a brilliant goal running from inside his own half, also got a face on. When he was substituted by the coach.

• Four ugly-arsed towers blighting the Madrid skyline, creating more traffic backlogs? Not according to Marca they're not. In the most sycophantic photo caption ever, they described the Ciudad Deportiva development, which rescued Madrid from debt as "the four spectacular and majestic towers that have given an irresistible touch of modernity to the urban landscape of Madrid". Hmm, now, who was the man behind that project, I wonder … (Cheers Interceptor).

• Xérez get their first ever First Division point. But not a First Division goal.

• Help us Sevilla, you're our only hope! 4-0 against Athletic, four wins on the trot … could there be a team who can challenge Madrid and Barcelona this year? Next week they face Madrid. Athletic, meanwhile, start to find their level.

Results: Madrid 3–0 Tenerife, Athletic 0–4 Sevilla, Malaga 0–2 Barcelona, Valencia 2–2 Atlético, Almería 2–2 Racing, Espanyol 0–0 Xérez, Mallorca 3–0 Valladolid, Zaragoza 3–0 Getafe, Deportivo 1–0 Villarreal.

[Cule Angles]

A return to form for Sid.

[Metaphysical]

great article.

and he's so right about laporta.

[maz]

Uff too much sarcasm even for a sid article! I'm tired, and although the info was good, the style did my head in.

By the way i love Tim's reference to the Primera B. Is that a common phrase this season? It's the first i've heard it..