The Mathieu Adventure Experience.
24 - Jérémy Mathieu
Day 507 of the Mathieu Adventure Experience.
Morning of December 12th of the year of our Lord, 2015. Green fields of the New Camp of Barcelona, independent territory of Catalonia
Forgive me for extended absence, but recent events have required me to lay low and practice the utmost secrecy. Last I left you, I was in hiding following that unfortunate situation against those White and Red devils of Sevilla lead by that vile slick-haired Satan, Untime Enemy. If you recall, dear diary, that abominable day a lynch mob lead by that perfidious Alarcontis forced me into hiding. Well, in the midst of my despair and anguish as I waited in terror to meet my end, hiding in a dirty cave with all manner of disgusting insects and vile, I resolved to remedy my situation once and for all.
Gathering what was left of my strength, my dignity, and of course my cigarettes, I escaped to my secret laboratory underneath the abode of one of our companions, Luish "El Chupacabra" Suaroth. As you know, his exotic diet affords us ample supplies of fresh carcasses to conduct our experiments. The task wasn't easy, I knew this from the start. I considered asking help from one of my compatriots, you know of him, Extortrim Benzmas, but concerns over the security of my hidden laboratory and this secret project stayed my hand. I could not guarantee he would not leak a video of our top secret labor or use it to somehow demand favors from me, he can be unreliable at times. However, after arduous labor, many sleepless nights and countless smoke breaks, I was able to complete my project!!
Dear Diary, I succeeded in constructing an android in my image!
It was perfection. A perfect specimen of a player, everything I could never be, and much more. I finally thought to be free from criticism and the endless hounding of Alarcontis and his ilk. This android would do my duties to perfection, I would reap all the rewards, and my life would be complete. First step was the hardest. I needed to sneak it into the Camp, under the watchful eyes of Enrique Luish, and bypass the x-ray vision of General Lionelihya Messi, back after his most unfortunate and hard battle with that dreaded disease called Fever of the Left Knee. Many times I thought to be discovered, until I was able to sneak it in parts, using our most naive and gullible companion, young Munrir El Cantscori. After that, assembling it and putting it in action was relatively simple.
Oh Diary, in my wildest dreams I never imagined the success of this enterprise. The android was flawless! It fooled everyone and as soon as it was placed on the field, it started paying dividends and playing some of the best football attributed to me I have ever seen. Sentiment on me started to turn for the better. My past transgressions long forgotten, many people started singing my praises as my performances magically improved a thousandfold. It was a golden age, well 2 months anyway, and I was the happiest man on earth.
Alas, as with anything in my cursed Adventure Experience, it was never meant to last. When the first problems started to surface I at first attributed them simply to the android requiring maintenance. However I soon understood a much deeper issue was causing the malfunctions. As it turned out, young MAtSfault had somehow discovered my secret and tired as he was of my constant mistakes being blamed on him, used some strange German hocus pocus to sabotage the machine.
The culmination of his work came today, as we adventured to the green fields of the New Camp to face the Galician aborigines from A Coruña. At first I thought I had been most fortunate, as Enrique Luish had decided to not play my name in today's game, I thought I would have the necessary time to correct the mistakes and undo the damage done by that sneaky MAtSfault. You could not comprehend the depth of my terror as I witnessed how my android was being summoned to participate in the skirmish in its dying moments. Still, I thought time was waning, lead was assured, how much damage could it do?!? As always, I could not have been more wrong. The android completely broke down, and such disaster had never been wrought, not even in my lowest moments, which have been many. The merciless Galician aborigines made short work of it, and alone, it was the cause of our skirmish being a disaster.
The unit is completely destroyed, the punishment it took rendering it completely irreparable, and I cannot see myself undergoing the same torturous ordeal it takes to create another. Besides MAtSfault already knows, he'll continue to work tirelessly to undermine my efforts.
I now find myself back in the same place I started, oh dear diary, perhaps even in a worse state. My enemies have resurfaced again, lead no doubt by that terror Alarcontis, oh how I hate him. Only now the number of his supporters have grown. I have even been made aware of some nefarious character who is somehow acquiring the words I so carefully and secretly relay onto you here in these pages, and is shamelessly broadcasting them for all my enemies to see. How such evil and despicable creature lives with himself I cannot even fathom. I will endeavor to learn his wicked name so that I may confront him.
The coming days bring plenty of uncertainty as my situation has never been more dire. I do not know when I shall be able to communicate with you again, so until we meet again, farewell dear diary.
PS: I'm growing increasingly fond of our young companion, Munrir El Cantscori, perhaps a bit selfishly, I must confess. He is currently the recipient of the endless wrath of our followers on account of his many mistakes, and part of me sees in him a kindred spirit suffering a similar ordeal, but the other part selfishly hopes he continues to screw up so that his mistakes overshadow mine and gain therefore some respite from the onslaught as he receives the bigger focus. It is depraved, I know, but such is the state I find myself in.